Worse

Wedding ceremonies, wedding vows and wedding traditions often overlap despite cultural and religious differences. Spanning across several centuries, these words may look vaguely familiar to you. You have either heard them, said them, want to say them or you are on the brink of saying them. “I [bride/groom] take you, [bride/groom] to be by [wife/husband], to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow.”

Perhaps the scariest part of traditional weddings vows is the ‘for better or worse’ line. It’s easy to stay in love when all things are coming up roses but when the storms start looming on the horizon, and we start heading to 'worse', we want to quietly erase that part of the vows. We want to click the heels of our sparkly red shoes, close our eyes and chant, “there is no place like home, there is no place like home” and hope that like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, our desperation will transport us back to a better place and time.

The ‘worse’ can come in many forms. Adultery, addictions, finances, family relations and sickness feature a starring role in many stories I have heard. Sometimes the ‘worse’ leads to separation or divorce but other times the ‘worse’ just cements a relationship and the reality of this centuries old vow becomes a story that impacts and challenges other couples.

I have chosen several love stories to celebrate this month of love that we find ourselves in. I must admit, I miss having just one day to celebrate. Birthdays, Christmas and yes even Valentine’s Day has gone from being one day of celebration, to an entire month being devoted to the topic. I decided to capitalise on this phenomenon and share some incredible stories during the month.

Today’s story is one that is not uncommon but may just be what someone needs to read to push through a little bit more. I have actually never met the wife of this story in person. We connected through a mutual friend and sustain a long distance acquaintanceship based on our love for the Lord and a firm stance that there is no distance in prayer. Our mutual friend would often ask me to remember the spouse of this person in prayer and when I started working on these pieces, this story was one I wanted to feature.

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How did you guys meet?

We met at church many years ago.

At which point in the marriage was your husband diagnosed with renal failure?

He was diagnosed about 4 years ago. Prior to that he had chronic gout for years, which was eventually the cause of his kidneys failing. The gout was diagnosed 20 years ago, when we got married. The meds for this actually had side effects on his kidneys causing the functioning to deteriorate.

This kind of disease is draining on your body. You are not able to function at 100% at most times. As the husband and head of your home, how do you feel on days when your body does not allow you to be there for your family in a way that you want to be physically?

On days that I cannot make it or feel weak and tired, I am always reminded of the scripture in the book of 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

It gets difficult at times but I do not focus too much on my sickness. Last year I was hospitalised for almost 40 days. I returned home in a wheelchair and was bed ridden for 4 weeks. I try to focus on the positive elements in my life so that I can move forward. "Give thanks in every situation". That's were I draw my strength from.

Most women rely on their husbands to carry half the weight of all the responsibilities that are part of our daily lives as married people. You obviously do not have that luxury. How do you about this feel since you have to take on more daily tasks due to his illness?

I do have to juggle many things at any given time. I sometimes feel like a single parent, and can very much identify with one. However, I think my strength comes from the realisation that God never allows us to carry more than we can bear. This illness came at a point in our marriage when we are stronger as a couple and able to approach life's challenges with mutual respect and compromise. My response is also determined by the belief that if the roles were reversed and I was ill, my husband would do everything in his power to stand with me and carry the load. Our current context also allows us to be able to share this experience with others who encounter the same dilemma. It is by no means easy, but it's definitely possible when you allow God to lead you as a family inside His will.

How has life changed since the diagnosis?

Although my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 renal failure 4 years ago, his nephrologist did not immediately begin dialysis. He only started treatment 10 months ago, and since then it's been a roller coaster ride. However, at this point, his body has adjusted to the process so it's becoming a little easier. Currently, we are trying to simplify our daily routine, and adjust to this new way of life as a family. We have implemented certain practical measures which will ensure that we are not left wanting in the event of an emergency, because life for renal patients can be quite unpredictable and exhausting. However, the attitude, approach and discipline towards it, makes it manageable. It's also important for us to maintain a good relationship with the medical staff at the Renal centre and our doctor. They are our 'go to' in the event of emergencies and unfamiliar territory.

Do you have a strong support structure?

We belong to an amazing church family who have stood with us through the most difficult parts of this process. If it weren't for this incredible group of people we would not be as hopeful as we are today. Their emotional, spiritual and physical support helps us endure and persevere. We are also surrounded by immediate family and friends who are very supportive and helpful. Thankfully, as a full time working mom and wife, I also have a very understanding employer, and my senior managers are extremely accommodating and patient. We are infinitely grateful for these precious people that God has placed in our lives.

How does this illness impact your life as a married couple?

It is like every other kind of obstacle a married couple may encounter. It can get incredibly frustrating but we have to understand each other. For us, that's the most important thing in our marriage. We take time to speak before we respond. We take time to be still and listen to God's voice.

Therefore, we can without a doubt say that this process has strengthened our commitment to each other, making our marriage a pillar that fortifies our home against the negative energy that can so easily distract us. When we are united as husband and wife in our struggle to not just survive, but thrive through this current situation, it provides reassurance for our children and gives them the security they need, in order for our family to remain wholesome and intact. Ultimately though, we try to use every challenge as a learning experience, because God is shaping us through both the good and difficult experiences in our lives. Our aim as children of God is to understand how we need to change, build and develop ourselves into becoming better human beings through it all.

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This is the kind of love story that inspires, gives hope and re-ignites dwindling faith. It is a reminder to be grateful for good health and the ability to be physically fit enough to shoulder our responsibilities within our roles as spouses. It is a nudge to those who are slacking off to pick up the slack! It is a testament to God’s goodness and mercy, that even when we face the ‘worse’, there is always room to give thanks.