Act

The 16 Days of Activism campaign, now in its 27th year, was initiated by the United Nations to raise awareness about gender-based violence.

This year’s theme is “Letsema: Men, Women, Boys and Girls working together to end Gender-Based Violence and Femicide (GBVF).”

Positive masculinity was highlighted at the G20 Ministerial meetings, with hopes for continued dialogue.

Many supporters have turned their social media profiles purple to show solidarity with the Women for Change shutdown, amplifying its visibility online.

I’m all for that. But apart from changing your status so that everyone knows you support this campaign how have you put your hands to the plough so to speak? Have you supported any victims in the last month? The last week?  

Not with money, although, in most cases the victims desperately need financial support, but with emotional and psychological support.

Please don’t get me started on these purple profiles I see when the men and women sporting it are perpetrators of GBV. Yeah. You know who you are.

I personally know people who have fought valiantly, suffering immense abuse at the hands of men (and women) year in and year out, while being let down by organisations, institutions and people, if they ever chose to speak up.

One of the quirky things about me is that I bruise very easily. One bump and I’m all shades of purple and blue and yellow and green. A few times, they were visible bruises and one day, a few years ago, I arrived at work and was having coffee with colleagues when one of them said, “I have noticed you with bruises a couple of times now. If someone is beating you up, don’t be scared to tell us!”

This person was not joking.

ARE YOU THAT PERSON?

Are you that person who not only changes your social media accounts to purple, but you open a line of conversation for a victim to feel safe to speak up?

Are you that person who will call the police on your brother, boss or best friend to stop the abuse?

Are you that person who will tell the aggressor, “I know what you are about, and I have my eye on you?”

Are you that person who will open your wallet to help with a little financial support?

Are you that person who will drive to a couple having a domestic dispute and try to calm the situation down?

Are you that person who will temporarily house a displaced victim because they dared to speak up and had their access to their homes taken away?

Will you testify about what you have seen and show support for the victim?

Will you listen?

Will you believe them?

Most victims do not want to share their experiences. Not only was the initial crime traumatic, but they also then endure trauma again from law enforcement, social services, the judicial system and everyone else who follows. It’s easier to stay silent. Except the silence protects only one person. The abuser. And the cycle continues.

I worked in the criminal justice system for 17 years before I left. I saw and heard firsthand from scores of abused women.

Here are some reactions victims have encountered after reporting abuse.

And why they stop reporting.

“NO! I absolutely cannot believe it.” Is it easier to believe the victim is a liar?

“He always seems so calm.” Hmmm yet there she stands with a blue eye.

“What led to this?” Abusers abuse for the sake of abusing. For power.  Nothing led to it.

“How will you support yourself if you leave?”  So, they stay. Because they cannot support themselves.

“How long has this been going on?” Once is enough!

I recently heard about a prominent person, whose wife had left him and the story being told was that she had had an affair. Only to talk to someone else a few days later who told a very different version. That there had been years of infidelity-on the part of the husband. That there had been years of physical and emotional abuse, in an attempt to protect his precious reputation and prevent the wife from speaking up. Until someone eventually found the courage to remove the wife from the toxic environment. And dared to tell the abuser, “This is where it ends my friend.”

Years of people very close to this scoundrel, remaining silent while it went on with their knowledge.

Silence. By the victim. Understandable

Silence. By us. Inexcusable.

I had enormous respect for one of the pastors of a church I attended when I was still a young adult. He had no qualms standing on the pulpit and telling the men under his leadership that he would be the person to call the police if ever he heard that one of the women under his leadership was being abused. It didn’t matter what position they held.

Not, “I’m going to pray for you.”

Not, “We need to arrange counselling.”

Of course, these things are important. But it was important during a different stage of the process.

What he made known was that any abuser would be held legally accountable for their behavior. Counselling, prayer and other support would come after. For the victim and for the perpetrator. The first step was believing the victim and calling for the law to intervene.

Who will you be during these 16 days coming up? Just the one who sports purple on a social media account or someone who will stand up for the victims and stand up to the abuser.

I know I am hated by one individual on this planet. You might think it bothers me.

It doesn't. It’s a certainty I have because it shows every time he sees me. He scowls and gets this look on his face. He probably wishes he could bash me around except I would not cower in the corner taking it. Why does he hate me? I told him I know exactly what he is, what he does to his family, and I am not afraid of him. It's only words. It probably did not stop him. I hope that those words showed the victim I was on their side, even if no-one else was.

This piece is nothing without me doing something. Without action, it falls into the category of meaningless purple profiles.

It’s nothing without me teaching my children to do something. Without us a family getting involved. Without me offering to help in some way. Sometimes all the victim needs is one tiny little act to reassure them that someone is on their side. One act.

So, wear purple, post hashtags, change your social media accounts, but be involved in dismantling gender-based violence.

Standing up, speaking up, speaking out. That takes courage. From the victim. From you and me.

Move beyond symbolism and commit to one act over the next few days that will break the cycle of silence.

This one is for all the women I know personally who have endured and came out stronger. The one who was hung over the balcony but crawled back up and survived.

The one locked out of the home she paid for.

The one who blamed the door for her bruises.

The one who had children taken away from her.

The one who took the blows to protect her children.

The one who had clothes torn off her.

The one who lost babies from being thrown down the stairs.

The one who had her unborn baby kicked.

The one who lived in a shelter rather than suffer one more blow to the head.

The one who was stabbed with a screwdriver.

The one who lost everything.

The one who stood alone with no-one on your side.

The one whose scars remind you of what you overcame.

For those who have lost their lives.