The Reluctant Traveller

 This series (aired on Apple TV) was charming and hilarious. Eugene Levy, at 76, decided to see some places he has never been to and I’m waiting patiently for Season 2 (if there will be one).

I am not a traveller. I travel with the late Anthony Bourdain through Parts Unknown, while munching on chips and sipping coffee on my couch. I travel with Phil Rosenthal through Somebody Feed Phil and I often hear my kids commenting, “Oh look at mummy – she is smiling because Phil is on!”

What can I say? Phil and the way he eats puts a smile on my face.

A few weeks ago, I watched Anthony walk the streets of Brasil and sit down beside some men to eat Feijoada and glug down something he called caipirinha’s. It was just another episode in a long line of episodes that I found intriguing and informative, like all his shows are. If anyone had told me then that I would be, a few weeks later, walking down the same streets, sitting down to eat Feijoada and having an endless supply of caipirinha’s levied my way, I would have laughed and called you some unflattering names.

It happened.

I will skip over the how and why and just highlight that it was an unexpected gift that had me at a loss for words. A once in a lifetime experience that still has me shaking my head when I recount the adventures.

My travels have always solely been arranged by Roland, which has been amazing.

This trip was not arranged by him.

When I heard the news, it was hard not to cry buckets trying to understand that I was one of the recipients. I arranged for my yellow fever vaccine and had to pinch myself when I was handed the ‘yellow’ card. I was advised to take malaria tablets and gasped at the price of each tablet and then had to pinch myself again that this was soon to be a reality. A fully paid trip to Rio De Janeiro.

There were endless discussions of the logistics and suddenly I was boarding flight SAA 222 heading for São Paulo to catch a connecting flight to Rio.

I discovered pāo de queijo at a local slow lounge. All thoughts of no gluten, no dairy fled, and I ravaged those delicacies – and I’m glad I did because I didn’t eat them again. Dairy and gluten in 1 little delicate, delicious morsel is not something I can comfortably consume any longer, not since the Hashimotos diagnosis. Just because that bugger is in remission doesn’t mean it won’t flare up at the most inconvenient times!

Then I discovered Acai. Which was not only gluten free and dairy free but was a staple you could find anywhere you went. Delicious, icy, sweet, all natural – I will not attempt to even describe it. It would be pointless.

I landed in the evening, hopped on a luxury coach and arrived to streets bustling with locals and tourist, vendors selling their crafts and the sound of the waves crashing gently on shore of Copacabana beach. I had high hopes of catching some sleep which eluded me, so here’s a travel trip from fellow companions. Take an Allegex (the drowsy kind) and you will fall into the deep, dreamless sleep required for your body to catch up.

Let me showcase some of the highlights.

Christ The Redeemer

My first glance and I was still pinching myself that I was actually standing on the steps, looking at this iconic statue.

Busy is a mild word to describe the scene.

Almost blasphemous is another word that comes to mind. If I were Stephen King, I would cause the 30 metre statue to come alive and give you his account of what he sees, which from my observations is bottoms, busts and thighs. I would also make the 38 metre base of the statue open up and swallow these invasive intruders, and let people wonder if the rapture had taken place.

It stunned me to see people in weird poses, completely missing the beauty of one of the seven wonders of the world.

Pushing and shoving, everyone trying to get the best pic and it would have been easy to miss the beauty and history that surrounds Christo Redenter. I pushed back so I could stand for a full 5 minutes in awe of the construction, especially the details on the palms. I won’t ruin it for you. Corcovado Mountain is breathtaking.

Sugarloaf Mountain

 This part of the trip made me nervous. I wasn’t a fan of the cable cars at Table Mountain and the dizzying heights at this spot had me wondering if I could do this alone. What if I felt ill?

The Hashimotos had me off balance and blurry-eyed on most days.  Now, I would be 396 metres above the harbour?

Not 1 cable car but 2 to get to the peak.

Deep breaths, fingers crossed and off I went. Soon I was enveloped with jokes about Jaws nibbling on the cable and giggles about Roger Moore’s beige suits and before I knew it, I had whipped out my fone and was recording the journey. The cars do shake, and you can watch it swaying when you exit.

Don’t look down between the gap of the floor of the cable car and the platform.

A much calmer pace at this stop and the opportunity to really enjoy the views of the bay and the city below. Pão de Açúcar is indescribable, and pictures do not do it justice.

And yes. I watched Moonraker when I got back home!

Guanbara Bay

A view of the city from the water is a completely different experience and choppy waters aside, it was great to be out in the sun, despite the chilly breeze.

Some brave travelling companions jumped in for a swim, which I was fully prepared to tick off my ‘I should do this’ list until my big toe felt the icy water. Also, someone had to be holding the camera when one travel companion’s weave slid off her head and floated away when she vigorously jumped in. She swam after it and retrieved with a sensible, “Hell- I carried the curly one just so if water got into it, no-one could tell the difference!”

Apart from phenomenal views and sights for the 3-hour cruise, the best best best churros with dulce de leche sauce was something I won’t forget. No traveller, reluctant or otherwise doesn’t highlight the food. Someone needs to start getting us cans of dulce de leche here in SA.

Ipanema Beach, Copacabana Beach, Leme Beach

Aqua de coco on the beach (because sometimes your body says, “No more caipirinhas por favour e obrigado".) We have them here, but they taste way different sitting on a beach in Rio, watching all kinds of bodies go by.

Swimsuits are sometimes strings – you might think I’m exaggerating but I’m not and everyone is just out to enjoy the sun sun sun. Local food and drinks will be delivered to your chair, and everyone just works really hard to make a days living. Beef empanadas extraordinaire. To. Die. For.

The water was still icy for me to spend any extended time in it, but the sun and sea air did me more good than I had ever anticipated. Also, the zipper on my swimsuit gave out and the only replacements I could find was, you guessed it, strings! Aint nobody want to see their mama bear in strings. So, this brown girl soaked up the sun and got browner and loved every minute of it.

Escadaria Selarón and Royal Portuguese Reading Room.

I shocked my own sensibilities by taking the Uber to both these places.

Skrik is the word I would use to describe my emotions.

I shared my ride with someone only to be told later that their SMS wasn’t activated in Rio so I had the worst imaginings of every possible thing that could have gone wrong.

By which time it was a moot point because I had already sampled the splendor of the beautiful stairs and the reading room.

Strangers had already offered to take my pic in return for the same favour, so every worst-case scenario paled in comparison to the sense of accomplishment that I did it by myself. Including finding what I called the Fordsburg of Rio – rows and rows of discounted shops, Ipanenma’s and Havaiana’s galore, local food to sample and tons of ‘real’ fakes to make any brand hungry shopper happy.

Home

The flight back home was filled with more adventure as I was pulled off the connecting flight. Something about a suspicious bag.

The chocolates are in hand luggage.

My cachaça is also stowed away safely in the overhead compartment. All that I had bought from Rio itself was Havaiana’s and a pretty snazzy handbag.

Nothing suspicious at all.

Panic mode stepped in. I pictured myself wasting away in a cell in Rio while my children got married and had children without me being around to say, “Now you know what it feels like!”

Pulled off the flight while other passengers glared and sniffed their irritation at the delay.

“Something’s vibrating in your bag.”

I mean, have you ever watched a movie where the bomb vibrates?

The guards are not impressed. I am feeling dizzy from fear-they ask me to open the bag while they gingerly shift my things around with their gloved covered hands.

By this time, I’m calming down because it slowly dawns on me what this vibrating was.

They yank out my cosmetic bag, which is vibrating quite strongly and pull out my portable derma planer, which for the guys reading, is a beauty device meant to keep my face young and smooth! Not land me in jail.

Crisis averted and I am running – yes running to get back on the plane. I sit my butt down in my seat and imagine what the headlines would have read. ‘Johannesburg woman detained for vibrating device in bag.’

Safely back home, I get to making a chicken curry because I had eaten no spice for 8 days!

Munching my box of chocolates I had acquired over there. And joining Phil and Anthony once again as they traipse about exploring places I might only ever see from my couch.

I can live with that. There really is no place like home.