Build To Last - A Marriage Blueprint

Dr Marilyn C. Saunders

Lynne:

Last week I took myself off to a cozy restaurant in Midrand to a book signing by Dr. Marilyn C. Saunders. She told me she spent most of her writing time in this spot, usually with a cup of coffee.

Build to Last, coupled with a companion workbook is what she calls a marriage blueprint. Now, I have no qualms in disclosing that I have seen Marilyn regularly as a therapist. Roland and I have also seen her for couples counselling. I get that there are two strains of thought when it comes to therapy. One is people who think that no stranger can help you figure out your problems, you must be really weak if you need therapy, you have a lack of faith because your problems will be fixed by prayer and there is no way you are going to allow your spouse to expose you to someone who doesn’t know you. The other is that therapy can be incredibly helpful and talking things through can help you navigate a minefield without anyone getting blown up. I subscribe to the latter. And might I add that I have great faith. Going to counselling has in no way diminished my reliance on God. It has in fact helped me to better apply the principles ingrained in the word of God. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start with Marilyn, my neighbour.

I first met Marilyn and Uncle Clive at a church we both attended. They were this sweet, dedicated couple, with Marilyn a soft spoken, elegantly dressed, totally ladylike individual and Uncle Clive a big booming character, dispensing big booming hugs. When we moved house, we were delighted to find their home was about 300m away from ours.

We loved walking past and stopping to ask for lemons. Their lemon tree is always bursting with the juiciest fruit , and I could easily reach over the gate to pick a few whenever I wanted. They both have big generous hearts.

One day, almost 13 years ago, while at Pick n Pay with Kelsie, she was bugging me for Tinkies. The only way I could get that idea out of her head was to say, “No I can’t buy that. We don’t have the money for it.” She was at the age where she knew money was necessary to buy things you wanted. I did have money, but my issue was Tinkies! Too much sugar before supper.

Uncle Clive happened to be shopping there too and heard me. And immediately

said, “Awww mommy please let me get it.”

“No Uncle Clive,” I said. And off we went. Kelsie dragging her heels and me needing to get home to get supper going.

We got home and 5 minutes later we heard a knock on the door.

There stood Uncle Clive, big smile on his face, with the box of Tinkies in his hand. Kelsie was merrily dancing around because he had bought her the box. Uncle Clive said, “Awwww mommy this is my treat for her.”

That’s the kind of neighbours they were.

They have been married for over 40 years and Marilyn has more than 20 year’s experience in the field of psychology. These days, she is focusing on couple’s therapy.

In a recent radio interview on Radio Pulpit, Marilyn disclosed that her desire to be a marriage counsellor stems from childhood trauma. She says, “No-one teaches you how to navigate marriage. I was a slow learner, largely because of the effects of secondary trauma. I was a witness to violence, and it affected my learning.  I thought I was stupid.”

She shares with listeners that her mother made the difficult decision to leave the family home, taking her three children with her to escape the violence. “After she left him, my father wasn’t able to support us financially—but I still loved him,” she says. “My mom never spoke badly of him. We were able to forgive him. We were able to love him.”

She describes her mother as a woman who surpasses all women.

“My father came to live with me when I got married. He used to bring his wages (unopened) and fruit and a chocolate and hand it to me. This from someone who didn’t provide for us while I was growing up. He gave his heart to the Lord during that time. Jesus gave me that love for him. My mom was the cause of me loving him. She gave me the gift of teaching me to forgive. I could have lived in unforgiveness. Mom always said,’ He didn’t have parents to show him love. So, love him.’ She taught me how to love the unlovable and taught me how to forgive.”

She credits Clive for teaching her how to be loved. How to receive love. “My husband taught me how to be loved. I am always first. I am number 1 for him. He always talks me out of negativity. ‘Gods got you’, he says. I can see Gods purpose was to provide healing and restoration through my husband’s love.”

She recalls that she grew up in a community where she was known to be stupid and unsuccessful. God then sent them to a community to start a business and she was encouraged to start studying as most people in that community had a tertiary education, some with more than one Bachelors degree.

"Me? The slow learner?”

She registered at a local University. “I defied all negative talks and prophecies. I excelled because God was with me.”

She goes on, “Marriage difficulties is normal. I started to watch behavior because I was harmed by negative behavior. I pursued a PhD in marriage and marriage counselling.”

The book follows a theme of building.

Roland:

Lynne arrived home from the book signing and was more interested in having had the book signed by the author and pictures she wanted to post on social media. I immediately took the book, which is usual in our home – I have been called a book hog- sat down in front of the fireplace and started reading. Lynne decided to watch re-runs of Friends! I started reading to see how Marilyn had incorporated her PhD thesis into this book. I continued reading because I found it thoroughly researched, uniquely written and addressing relevant issues.

The book offers a thorough approach, addressing the problems, challenges, and solutions involved in building a lasting marriage.

Build to Last uses the analogy of building a house to illustrate how to build a strong marriage. like laying a foundation, to cementing, to fixing the cracks, Marilyn introduces practical ways in which to build a lasting marriage.

Her stance is, “I say build not built because it is a continuous thing. We never stop working on our relationships.

It’s divided into eight parts: preparing for the restoration of the house, strengthening the foundation, cementing the structure, repairing cracks in the walls, cleaning the windows, varnishing the front door, tiling the stairs, and repairing the roof.

I’ve read and studied many marriage and relationship books and workbooks by well-

known authors, but what sets this one apart is its South African context (pg.202) and the issues the author openly addresses— in the context of Traditional families vs Western families. Issues such as such as cohabitation, boundaries with in-laws and finances. She explains the collectivist culture such as those found in African and Indian communities and households and the role of the extended families in a marriage.

What really makes this book stand out is the unique theory the author came up with—drawing inspiration from various authors —to explore six meaningful ways to daily show love, like sharing a coffee or simply saying 'I love you.'

Lynne:

Roland wanted to list all six ways. I said, “Oh hell no.”

You got to buy the book to find the other four!!

I have heard horror stories of entire neighborhoods and communities witnessing affairs and spousal abuse and keeping silent. I will never forget being a recently married woman at age 25 and bumping into an older lady at the local Clicks where she started to tell me how her husband had been cheating on her for more than 20 years and she now discovered a child. Someone I knew to be a stalwart in the community, a leader, a family man. People had known and remained silent. Atrocious stories gathered from many other people who as kids remember their parents having affairs or protecting friends who had affairs. Knowing of people gambling away salaries and saying nothing. Neighbours, friends and family ignoring the tell-tale bruises, alcohol abuse and sounds of violence permeating the silence of the night. People thinking a marriage is none of my business or concern.

I once heard a sermon preached where Roydon Frost said, “Marriage is a community concern.”

If a marriage is thriving everyone should celebrate. If a marriage is struggling everyone should be concerned. Not from a judgmental perspective but from a community perspective.

Everyone wants to belong to healthy communities. But how can a community be healthy if we remain silent on something as important as marriages that might be struggling? Where remaining silent or speaking up can alter the trajectory of that family’s destiny and purpose.

We need the rallying around of people who are not afraid to get involved, not afraid to speak up, not afraid to take a stand and fight for family. Not just your family. Fight for the wholeness of any family!

So, this is me, part of your community rallying around you today. Get this book and workbook. It really doesn’t matter if you think you have everything under control or if you are falling apart right now. It’s never too late to put in the work and restore what you think is lost. Get it for someone else – as my bestie (also known as beastie) did for me- as a gift. Get it if you have children who you hope will get married someday. Get it for your nieces and nephews and friends. Get it for yourself to help equip yourself to be part of that community that helps marriages thrive.

If you subscribe to the strain of thought that therapy is not for you – well this is not therapy. It’s a book you can work through with your partner at your own pace. If you subscribe to the train of thought that therapy is useful, well Marilyn is offering follow up sessions with the purchase of the book, at a discounted rate for couples. It’s a win-win in my opinion.

Thanks to Dr. Roland Moses who a talented writer and also my husband. He says he can see I don’t like teamwork. I say, “I gave you credit for your contribution to this piece. It’s coffee time!”

This joint writing is fruit of some of our sessions with Marilyn.

Follow the link below to Marilyn’s website to place your orders.

www.marilynsaunders.co.za

“Your marriage is not broken-it’s under renovation”

Dr. Marilyn C. Saunders