Forty WHAT?

I blinked and suddenly when someone asks how old I am, I have to mentally calculate my age. In my head, I’m still 21. In my heart, I’m probably mid-thirties. Thanks to good genes, people tell me I really don’t look my age-probably early forties is their usual guess.  My knees tell a whole different story every time I have to run up and down the stairs and last night I did ask myself what were we thinking when we moved into a double story house at this age? Usually I end up with, “Kelsie can you please go upstairs and get me……” and let her 14 year old knees do the work for me!

Sitting with some of my dearest cousins on Saturday, our conversation ran from weight to snoring to menopause to high cholesterol to retirement. Retirement!!How did I go from starting my debut job as a public prosecutor to thinking about whether I had enough money to retire? I can still remember my first day at work, dressed in a black suit with a white shirt, my friend Kogs and I looking like twins in matching outfits thinking we were going to revolutionise criminal law and make a name for ourselves putting bad guys away. Fast forward to my current birthday and my current job which is so far removed from what I studied at University, I sometimes have to pinch my arm when people ask for legal advice and remind myself I have not practised law for almost 8 years now and should not be advising anyone about anything. Do I ever listen to myself? Of course not, so it shouldn't surprise you that a blog piece on my birthday is going to be filled with advice you didn't ask for.

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>We were all young and stupid once

Roland recently bought a book called What you should know before you get married. As far as I know, he is not planning on leaving me and getting re-married (errrr, yes, you, lady-reading this and hoping that it would be true-sorry!). He bought the book to gain some insight for our 19 year old who is dating someone. He asked me a question from the book and I related an episode that happened many years ago and how he didn't do what the book said. He went away for a while and came back sometime later to ask, “How do you remember all these things?”

Then he said, “You know I was young and stupid then.”

It was enough to erase that episode completely from my memory bank because what he said was true.  We have all done and said things because we were young and stupid!  It was also enough for me to give him a quick kiss and say, “You are right. You have changed a lot since then.”

I’m heading the pack on this one. Listened to lies and behaved stupidly. Made bad decisions. Listened to ungodly advice and acted on that. Said inappropriate things, made people feel bad in an already bad situation. Judged situations, judged people. Allowed anger to speak instead of tempering an answer with love and tolerance. Too many examples not enough time to list my stupid, young mistakes.

Here’s my unsolicited advice on this one. If you are still behaving like you’re young and stupid even though the age-o-meter is hovering over the ‘elderly’ spectrum, then we need to talk. If you have, however, come to the realisation that you did and said stupid things while you were young, take some time and process it. 

If someone needs an apology, go give them one. If they need an explanation -well, tell them you were young and stupid. (Disclaimer here: my family say I don’t apologise. Poppycock. I do. Like right now. Sorry that I use you guys as examples in my blog. There. Apology done!).

Admit that you didn't know any better then. Own it. You can’t go back and change it. Tell yourself don’t do it again and teach the next generation how to do it differently.

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> Boundaries, boundaries

There’s a book on it. Henry Cloud. Boundaries.  Our church runs a course on it. Boundaries. Set them! Please. If we all knew how to set healthy boundaries, there would be way more happier people in this world.

Of course this is easier said than done. My personality type has no issues setting boundaries and I feel neither guilt nor shame when I set them. I know it’s not easy for many people. You worry about the offence it might cause, hurt feelings, upset family members, irate colleagues and what are people going to say when they discuss that you did this. They are going to talk regardless,  so it’s a moot point in any event.

Here's a quote from the book that I think will convince you these are necessary.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.“

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> See a therapist

I cannot emphasize this enough. The best advice Roydon Frost the Rector at Christ Church Midrand ever gave Roland and myself was to go for marriage counselling. His advice was that we shouldn't wait for a big upset to see someone but to regularly have sessions so that when the niggly issues reared their ugly heads, we were already equipped to deal with it. Gone are those days when Sally with her hair twisted in rollers popped over the wall to discuss with Nancy that she heard from Sue that Roland and Lynne were seeing a marriage counsellor. Heavens, these days the gossip mongers should be discussing how you are NOT seeing a therapist because that’s how rare an occurrence it should be. There would be many people who could have salvaged marriages and other relationships, if only therapy had not been such a taboo topic.

Last year I had regular appointments with a christian psychologist for no other reason except my own well being. I also chose a christian therapist because she would understand my beliefs and if I said the Holy Spirit told me, she wouldn't think I was hearing voices in my head and prescribe strong meds for the voices to stop! His is a voice I want to always hear. My manager and friend called me to wish me a happy birthday and said, “May you always hear the Lord’s voice. But more importantly- may you listen when you hear Him!”

Whilst I have many fabulous, Godly women as friends, with whom I am free to vent and moan and gripe, they are also carrying their own burdens. Pay someone who is trained to not only listen but has been trained to guide you in navigating the storm you are facing. Even if you’re just facing a temporary rapid and your raft has overturned (think Trevor Noah and his recent escapade) and you know it’s just momentary and your head is still above water-see someone! Mental health should be at the top of the list when you’re thinking about taking care of yourself.

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> Don’t eat that cake

Yes- I have seen those memes. You only live once so eat that cake, drink that glass of wine, life is too short and so on and so on. No. Don’t. When you hit forty-what then that piece of cake is the difference between skinny jeans or covering yourself in cling wrap and sitting in the sun room while you try to sweat off the chocolate ganache.  I do believe everything in moderation but those kind of memes are meant for people who were born with unnatural genes that allow them to eat anything and still look the way they did 25 years ago. My good genes extend only to the wrinkle-free skin on my face. It’s all downhill from the neck down so- no. I won’t eat that slice of cake thank you very much. It’s hard work to eat healthy and stay fit. Very hard. It takes commitment, dedication and, for me, MANY swear words. Two concepts that have helped me on this “don’t eat that cake” journey is Lysa Terkeurst and her book I’ll start again on Monday. How many times have I said that and failed?

So-no, I don’t wait until Monday anymore. If I want to start something, a new habit, a new anything, I start today. This hour. Or whatever hour the thought comes to me. That’s when I start.

Next is Mark Batterson’s Do it for a Day.  The thought of eating healthy and exercising for 365 days this year is exhausting. Plus drinking 8 glasses of water a day is enough to make me climb back into bed. What am I? Moby Dick that I need so much of water? Well if I don’t want to look like Moby Dick, then I start of with just today. Today, I will drink 8 glasses. I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I just do it for a day. Before you know it, it’s been a month and those beautiful water bottles I received for an an early Christmas gift have been in use every day for a month. A month? Yes. I did it for a day.

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> Just ask

I learned this one from a friend of mine. He was pitching something to a big company, a well known brand. He told them, “I know your brand. I have been wearing you since my teens. You have a great product. So do I. Would you care to try my product?” Something along those lines. I’m a writer. I embellish a little. The answer? Was YES. A huge brand. I mean-a well known, well established, well worn, international brand.

You can only get a yes or a no. If you are like me and believe in God’s providence, then the yes is for a reason. The no is for a reason. Accept both with grace and dignity. Just ask.

Now, I realise- gosh I’m at 1600 words and people are going to stop reading so here’s a few more, in far fewer words.

> Forgive. Not for them, for you. For you to be free and have a walk with Jesus that is really deep. Forgive.

> Tell the truth. Be ready for the truth to be told to you.

It works both ways. I have friends (I call them Beasties-best friends who are beasts in truth telling) who always approach the advice they give me objectively and with love. Not taking sides because they love me. Not pampering rubbish behaviour because they are scared to call me out or because they themselves are behaving badly. They call me out and up to a higher standard. If your Bestie (Beastie) is not influencing you to be better-find a new one.

>Do it if you love it. Do it if you hate it.

We don’t live in a world where we get to do only what we love. Doing what you hate is bound to teach you something you didn't know about yourself and build some character.  Doing what you love will open the gates of gratitude. This isn't about a job or your employment. It’s about everything else. Hate reading? Read anyway. Love reading. Read some more. Hate exercise? Do it anyway. Love exercise? Drag someone along with you to get them in shape. Hate hiking? I swore and moaned and got dragged along but would have missed this if I didn't do what I hated.

With one eye on my word count and the other on the clock heading towards the end of my birthday, I will conclude with one last one. Perhaps the most important one for me.

>>>>Serve

Lots of eye rolling here, I’m sure, as you read this. Serve. We are called to be servants. Not as slaves. But as people who understand that to become more like Jesus, I must serve. There are so many ways to serve. Your family. Your community. Your friends. Your colleagues. Strangers! Send those flowers and brighten someone’s day. Send that text and encourage someone. Buy that stranger a cup of coffee (decaf butterscotch soy latte for me thanks). Cook that meal and drop it off. Buy a bag of groceries and Checkers60 or Woolies dash will do the rest for you. Issue that invite for a coffee or a meal. Gift that journal and pen. Offer to pay for something.

Although I initially learned from my mother about serving (always miss my crazy mummy on my birthday), I have sustained the habit watching the various ministers and leaders at Christ Church Midrand and how they serve. Selflessly, thanklessly expecting no reward or recognition except to emulate the Lord and to show His love in a broken world.

I have started planning the big one. If you know me, you know I have not one spontaneous bone in this aging body. It’s a way off still. So yes-lists, planning, organisation to make it a grand, memorable one. Where the word forty will be replaced by ……you get the picture.