Anti-Hero

It’s no secret that we have a bona-fide Swiftie in our home. She knows every fact, every insignificant detail about Ms Swift. One morning, on the drive to school,  she started with, “Did you know that the Eras tour starts today?”

“Nice,” I say. “You can watch clips on YouTube.”

“Hulu is doing a documentary……(sad voice)…..but we don’t have Hulu…..”

At which point I say something ridiculous like, "Wait for it on Netflix…"

She just said Hulu. Why on earth would Netflix screen it?

I’m over the Taylor Swift convo and  I’m already thinking about setting up my new laptop and whether the IT guy is going to make me wait to get this sorted out.   

Then came the discussion later that evening that, during sound check at church, she decided to spout random Swiftie facts to test her mic. Apparently someone said, ‘Say things about Jesus!’ Well, dear someone, you’re lucky this Moo was not there. I repeat. L U C K Y!

The reason Ms Swift gets a mention is for the lyrics in her song Anti-Hero.

“It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)”

Yes. It’s me. I’m the problem.  I’m the reason Kelsie got introduced to this artist. I bought the CD (it was that long ago) because I liked Love Story off her 1st album. In fact, I liked all her songs off that album. Fast forward a few years and Kelsie starts listening to music in her room on a CD player. She discovered this old CD of mine and that was the beginning of the end. She might very well have chosen to get hooked on Miley Cyrus if she hadn't stepped on Caitlin’s copy of The Hannah Montana movie soundtrack and broke it! And guess who bought that??  Guess who allows them access to my Apple music account with family share? I’m the problem-it’s me.

Anti-heroes are great characters to keep a novel or a movie going. The people who lack all the traditional qualities to be labelled a hero but who still have good intentions.

The antihero is not immediately likeable. They display negative traits like greed, cunningness or deception. They are arrogant, insulting or curt. We dislike them when they display traits we can't admit we also possess. We then grow to like them as the story develops because we watch them grow and see the potential for change. The anti-hero shakes up the traditional way we look at heroes. The bold, courageous, loyal, loving hero who will stop at nothing to see justice done vs the slightly jaded, sceptical, almost selfish anti-hero who will make sure he gets the 1 bag of gold as he returns the other 99. Think Dominic Toretto in the Fast and Furious. Think Annalise Keating in How to Get Away with Murder. Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby. The Evil Queen in Once Upon a Time.

Here’s my top 4 reasons why I have featured as the anti-hero in the story of my life:

Selfishness

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I’m more concerned with my own pleasure and getting ahead irrespective of who I trample on to get there. I’m looking out for myself - at the expense of someone else. My first and foremost thought is ME. I don’t care who gets hurt as I strive to satisfy my own needs.

Jealousy

Always wanting what someone else has. Instead of being satisfied with my own life, I’m longing for someone else's life. There’s resentment because I think I also deserve what someone else has. There’s hostility towards the person who has what I want.

Anger

I used to be quite a hothead. I think I have become better as I have gotten older purely because I don’t have the energy! Anger was a classic way in which I ended up doing the wrong thing. One of my main triggers was if I thought I had been wronged. Which led to me doing wrong. An ugly vicious cycle.

Boundaries

When I don’t have clear boundaries, it’s easy to step over a line and continue doing life as if nothing was wrong. There are always consequences for ignoring boundaries and somewhere down the line, they always catch up with me.

You see the pattern right? Me. It’s me. I’m the problem-it’s me. I’m still a work in progress.  I started to own up, put up my hand and acknowledge that the problem is me. Not whatever was lacking in my childhood, not some trauma or tragedy that can explain away my bad behavior, not circumstances beyond my control and definitely not anyone else.

The reason I haven't put out a blog piece in a while? Me! The reason I’m late? Me! The reason I don’t complete my to-do list? Me! The reason my presentation didn't go well? Me! The reason some relationship failed? Me! The reason my bank accounts look a certain way? Me! Marriage? Me! Parenting? Me! We have got to own up to our anti-hero behaviors that have led us to the junctures we currently find ourselves in.

Now before someone starts to throw tomatoes and boo me off my blog stage, I do realise that other people play a role too. I know there are anti-heroes out there who will never change. No matter how many chances they get, I am always the one left with the short end of the stick. But if we take that exact example, could the problem there be that I have given them one too many chances? Me! I’m the problem. It’s me.

Here’s a little sample of Kay-Kay covering Tay-Tay. It’s not the song you’re thinking of. You will still enjoy it. I know when she reads this she will say, “ Awwww Moo. You wrote about Taylor Swift!” Then she will promptly get mad that I posted a video of her.

Have I figured it all out yet? Absolutely not. Do I have prolific nuggets of wisdom to throw out to you as we navigate this complicated life? Sorry-but I don’t. I’m no hero. As we round up this month(eeeeeek yes, it’s almost month end)  and start planning for the new month (eeeeek how did we get to May already?), I’m hoping that I’m a little bit closer to taking ownership of the situations I find myself in. A little closer to striking off the ‘anti’. A little bit better off because I looked in the mirror this morning and said, “It’s me. I’m the problem!”