A Way with Words

One of the most difficult things on my plate at this point in time is parenting. One of the main reasons is that it requires words. By the grace of the good Lord, I have escaped many of the trials that other parents tell me about. Still, what does land on my plate usually has Roland rushing into the room to see if his children are still ok because the shrill sounds that come out of me signals danger and something big is happening.

Sometimes, it’s things within our home that causes Momster to come out to play. Unattended chores, not following instructions, arguing or disorganisation. Other times, it’s outsiders who say and do things to the girls that has my inner Maleficent spreading her wings and rising to the fore. Most recently Kelsie mentioned to me that an adult said to her, ‘Maar jy’s lank!’ As if being tall is now suddenly a horrible trait to have. I might have been fine if she said, “Jy’s lank.” It was the ‘maar’ that grated on my nerves. Whenever there's a 'but' there's a problem! The very same adult who last year, picked on her nails (in public), which were longer than usual because of her learning a particular plucking technique on the guitar. Don’t ask me for details of this technique. I, personally, play the Nagbag and I’m brilliant at it!!

Yes-I assure you that this adult is still alive purely because I have seen the inside of our prisons and I don’t think my hair will do very well in there. If you look back on your childhood, you can probably recount many episodes of  someone saying something to you that changed you for the better. Or for the worse. I can still remember the first time an adult referred to me as fat. I still carry it with me. I can also still remember the first time my English teacher told me that I have talent and she always looked forward to reading my creative writing pieces. It’s what keeps me going with this blog.  If I could go back,  I would tell the one to get her eyes checked and ask the other to help me hone my craft so that I took my writing a bit more seriously much sooner.

Whether we like it or not, words shape us. I am guilty of two things. Using words as a weapon (think circus knife act-calculated, accurate, precision throwing) and also using it to build or as a balm for a hurting friend (think soothing, cooling aloe on sunburned skin). As I have grown older, I have learned to control what comes out of my mouth but I have already made some blunders that can’t be erased. Like when Caitlin recollects that I called her a dingbat. It was a popular word in my vocabulary at that time. Or the time that a 4-year-old Kelsie asked, “Mummy where’s jackass today?” because the previous day I had mumbled, “Does this jackass not know what a stop sign is?”

Or when Kelsie says, “Remember when you called me blind Bartimeus because I couldn't find something?” The latter episode ended with the two of them discussing how, even when mummy insults them, she is teaching them the Bible. I’m still conflicted as to whether I should laugh or collapse in shame.

Here’s a couple of things I have applied to keep my big mouth shut and keep me out of trouble:

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> The Word

Now, I know many of you who read my blog don’t share my religious beliefs but stick with me on this one. You might just find something here that makes sense to you.

The book of Proverbs is a fine place to start to get some clear guidelines about watching what pours out of our mouths. I won’t even attempt to paraphrase them. They speak for themselves. Errrr, no pun intended.

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.”

Proverbs 15:1-2 ESV

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

Proverbs 15:4 ESV

“The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.”

Proverbs 15:7 ESV

“To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”

Proverbs 15:23 ESV

The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but gracious words are pure.”

Proverbs 15:26 ESV

“The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones.”

Proverbs 15:30 ESV

“Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.”

Proverbs 15:32 ESV

Now, I haven’t even delved into the other chapters in Proverbs highlighting this theme nor have I mentioned the other books of the Bible that address this issue. It's clear that how we use our words is important to God because it affects His people. A constant refreshing of this topic through reading the word of God is necessary to keep me on track. Please do check out Gregory Brown’s piece in bible.org called How to Control the Tongue.

Another good read is RT Kendall Controlling the Tongue.

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> Take a Breath

Did you know that just one breath, one quick inhalation can stop the bullet train about to take off from between your lips? Try it.

Don’t do it the way I do. I take a deep, audible breath so that everyone knows the effort I’m making. Then they hear my lonnnng, tortuous exhale, also providing them the opportunity to know I am really trying here! 

A quick, silent, deep breath, a quick taming of the tongue, before you respond.

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> Silence is Golden

I once annoyed my cousin by only texting emoji’s - no words. I wanted her to decipher what I was saying. She was not impressed!

Not every space needs to be filled in. It’s ok to have a gap in the conversation, before you move on to another topic or end a conversation. When you feel pressured to fill gaps, trust me, the things you say often have no value.

Are you responding to offload an ego driven thought or out of pride? Is a response required? What emotion is causing you to respond? If it’s a negative emotion, then more often than not, the response will reflect that negative emotion.

Have you ever tried being silent for a day? Just resting your vocal chords. No calls, no meetings, no verbal communication. Try it. Even for half a day. Conversations will become so much more valuable when you realise that there’s value in silence as well.

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> Walk Away

Yes. Put those Louboutin’s to work  and walk away from a situation where you know you are being provoked, have become irritated or are being tested on what your response will be. Don’t do it like me. The exaggerated turn of my head (if I had long hair I would flip it), the spin on my high heel and the clackety clack of heel tips on the floor  echoing and bouncing off the ceiling letting everyone know I have chosen to walk away!

Sitting with regret or the inability to apologise about what you said is just tiresome. Your energy is needed elsewhere. Glance at your watch or phone and say, ‘Gosh I would love to continue this conversation but I just noticed the time. Let me dash.’

Disclaimer: This does not apply when your boss asks you for the report to be on his desk by 3:30pm. You’re on your own there sister!

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> Gracefully Polite

I have told this story before. There was a guy on a Teams meeting who used to be a part of our team at work and then moved to another department. He asked about an upcoming team function so I said, “ You’re not a part of this team!” My boss then jumped in and said, “Lynne. You can say that with a bit more grace.” So I said, “ You. Are. Not. A. Part. Of. This. Team.”

The inside joke was this chappie was a friend and I could make this kind of statement because we knew each other well enough that he wouldn't be  offended.

Often our responses are defence mechanisms. Something deep inside was affected by certain words and so up surges the strong response.

When I was a new prosecutor in criminal court, my magistrate Mr Daya called me into his office to say, “You’re a brilliant cross-examiner. Just lose the sarcasm…” That’s my fall-back. My go-to weapn of choice. Sarcasm. What’s yours? When you’re faced with correction, an accusation or a difficult conversation, what’s the easy way out for you? Humour? Avoidance? Indifference?

Your defence mechanism words could very well be words that you cannot take back. Words you can’t un-explain. Words that could ruin your reputation and affect your social standing. As you work on being more polite, you will start to notice who in your circle is polite, who speaks with graciousness and love and who you prefer never to engage with because you know the direction that it will go. I largely blame my career in criminal law for my lack of politeness and grace. I wasn't going to win any cases by politely asking an accused, “Didn't you know it was wrong to steal?” No. It was more along the lines of, “You knew it didn't belong to you but you took it anyway, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU??” See the difference? I’m working on it!      

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> Be Intentional

The long and the short of it is that we have to think before we speak. Our thoughts are personal. Private. Not everyone needs to hear those thoughts spoken out loud. Where’s the mystery in that -if every thought that pops into our minds are just blurted out? I have had to trek a long, arduous journey in figuring out how to say things with positive words. Now don’t get me wrong. There is only one way to say, “Clean up your room please,” or “Sort out the rabbits cage.”

Our default setting after these last few tough years seems to be negative words and negative responses.

Here’s a few examples that have helped me and you will immediately notice how different it sounds although I'm saying the same thing:

~I don’t like vs My preference really is…

~You should have vs It might have worked out differently if you had considered….

~Don’t leave your things here vs Please keep this area clear

~I can’t do this now vs I can help you later this afternoon

~You must finish by.. vs It would be great if you can hand it in by …..

~That's wrong vs Have you tried it this way?

~ Why must I constantly supervise you? vs I think you can manage this task without my help

We don't all inherently possess this trait. Some of us have to work at it. For others it comes so naturally I'm almost envious of the ease with which they do it.

Positive language offers alternatives and options. It is encouraging, uplifting, motivating, reassuring and coverys empathy. It can calm a tense situation and increase optimism in others. The more you practice it, the more you realise how many opportunities arise for change and collaboration. Nobody wants to work with a Moaning Lisa!

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Simple change of words can create a whole new atmosphere. Choose constructive, affirming words. So, yesterday, instead of saying to Caitlin, “WHY DID YOU ENTER THE CIRCLE WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE RIGHT OF WAY???” I merely said, “ You entered the circle when that guy was already in…” all while taking a deep, deep breath and using positive words to say, “Thank you Lord for safe travelling mercies with this inexperienced (scratch that!) errrr fresh driver, who is still learning!”   Ahhhhh. I feel better already.