October is done and I can’t say I’m unhappy to bid her adieu! I found myself having several things to scratch off on the calendar, several expenses I could have done without and several blood tests that did not come back with good news. Booooo, thumbs down!! But as November rears her head, life has settled back down into a regular rhythm, my health has improved and I’m shopping for new Christmas décor and fairy lights. Wonder of wonders, I have caught up with my one-year Bible project reading plan-yayyyy me because I had 13 missed days at some point. I have completed a bible journal project that I had seen on someone’s socials and wanted to try, and I am up to date with all tasks before the new month really takes off. Including seeing the final (gorgeous) cover for my upcoming book, Still Blooming – courtesy of Diverz Solutions. I have chatted to the book printers and feel less apprehensive, and I am confident that all the hours poured into getting the book out there has not been in vain. All in all, a pretty good way to end off a month.
When I need to write about a particularly touchy topic, I usually run it by some people. You never know how it will be received or whether you are going to offend someone. Let me also be upfront that if you hand me a mic and ask me to say something, someone is probably not going to like what I have to say. This time, after tossing something at my cousin, Diane, she sent me a video she saw on TikTok, and my immediate response was relief that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way! I was already halfway through this piece, and it just confirmed that this was a subject that needed airing.
In the middle of the several things that unfolded in October, I did feature in my own 3-minute episode of Mean Girls. Totally unscripted, no raving Netflix reviews and a real-life mean girl. A snide comment, cleverly disguised in sweet overtones but cutting deep as she knew it would because that was the intention all along.
Yes, this is the bit you come here for. Where I highlight something that happened to me, and you don’t know if it’s juicy or if I’m talking about something you were a part of or writing about someone you know!! Oh, the joys of being a writer. I think most of you know by now, I would have no problem telling this person what I thought of their shoddy behavior, except the problem is so much wider than one person.
I laughed about the incident on the drive home, until I repeated the story to my husband and realised I was fooling myself. It wasn’t funny or excusable. I was placing it in the category of funny to cover the stab to the heart. The comment had attacked a part of me I already struggle with.
It did give me an opportunity to examine myself and ask if I’ve ever been a mean girl.
The answer is yes. I’m hoping my friends will message me after reading this to acknowledge I have drastically changed!
You can pat yourself on the back and exclaim in Bridgerton-esque tones, “Well! I would never!” Fan yourself and try to avoid fainting at such an outrageous notion. You might just need to ask someone for their opinion on that one. Not someone from your circle. Ask someone who you don’t particularly like or get along with what they have to say about it.
This also gave me an opportunity to re-visit the complaints my girls have made over the years about people who have said mean things to them or treated them in a mean manner. I, unfairly, expected them to tough it out and get over it. To ignore it or retaliate in kind. I expected that teenage mean girls would exit their lives once they reached adulthood. Sadly, this was not to be. Mean girls become mean women. Mean people never go away. You never ever get over mean words.
A few days after my Mean Girl run-in, I was also a part of a conversation with a longtime colleague and friend. We met when we were juniors in our roles, newbies making lots of mistakes. We have known each other now for eleven years. We had an early morning breakfast and next to us arrived a very conservative woman. This was easily discerned by the dress code and the way she conducted herself. She had been sitting almost invisible for the entire time my colleague and I were yakking. On her way out, while my friend and I were still trying to get all the stories in, she stopped at our table and promptly apologized for interrupting. She wanted to tell us that she couldn’t help overhearing our conversation and was so inspired to see two women uplifting and holding each other accountable. She thought we had something special, and she wanted to tell us she loved eavesdropping because she felt so motivated. I’m betting if she had more time, she would have accepted an invite to sit down and join us.
Such different experiences. Words that broke and words that built.
The Mean Girl Syndrome is prevalent more than ever. In religious organisations – yes dare I say it – church, mosque, temple, synagogue, wherever religious activities are practiced. Although at the heart of most religious foundations is love, kindness and generosity, this is also one of the places it is most lacking. At workplaces, in families, in all kinds of social circles and probably in your own collection of friends as well. There is the intentional exclusion, insults disguised as compliments, the ‘I was just kidding’ remark, gossiping disguised as venting or care, brutal honesty without care for how it’s delivered, undermining or downplaying achievements of others, differences in public and one-to-one interactions and playing favourites. Mean girls carry their own history of deep-rooted insecurity. While they appear well put together and confident, they lack a sense of identity.
I am drawn back to several stories in the Bible because I am currently working on the next book project. How ambitious of an unknown writer but the ideas flowed this year, so Scrivener is host to at least 5 book projects laid out in painstaking order, ready to be tackled in bite-sized chunks. This particular book is titled She Did What? It’s a study of women in the bible who did outrageous things but who still offer us lessons as modern-day women. I’m so excited every time I get a chance to work on it a little because researching and reading those stories again has revealed a depth to these women that I didn’t realise before.
It’s common to read stories, in the Bible or elsewhere and align ourselves to one or other character in it. Often, we are never the villain. How could we be??
Meet Sarah and Hagar in Genesis 16 – 21. I encourage you to read these chapters. Sarah, the mistress of the house, impatient at not being able to fall pregnant, offered her servant girl Hagar up to be impregnated. When Hagar is pregnant, she starts with mean girl behavior against her mistress. Sarah retaliates in ways that causes Hagar to run away, threatening the safety of herself and her baby. Both had their reasons, and both behaved badly. Until God steps in and Sarah’s story is redeemed. She miraculously, gives birth to her own son in her old age. With Hagar being kicked out of the family home when Sarah’s baby arrives, God steps in and saves Hagar and her son. Hagar’s story is redeemed. Not only does she encounter a God she never knew before, but He has also good promises for her and her son, despite her being a slave girl.
Meet Leah and Rachael in Genesis 29-30. Sister-wives. Bet you thought that was a reality series on Amazon! The rivalry for one man’s love causes the meanness to surface in both these women. They completely lose sight of the fact that the circumstances leading to the intolerable situation was not engineered by them. One sister sells the conjugal rights to the other for mandrakes!! Who even knows what mandrakes are? God steps in again and redeems both their stories. Leah, when she eventually realizes that God loves her, despite the rejection from her husband and Leah, when God remembers her request for a child and Joseph is born.
In 1 Samuel 1, we meet Hannah and Peninnah. Hannah unable to have a child, Peninnah mocking her for what (during this time) was seen as a terrible shortcoming. The inability to produce a male heir. Peninnah’s meanness surfaces annually, during a pilgrimage. Doesn’t get worse than that. You are in a space where your focus should be on your spirituality, but your aim is to fire shots at your rival because you have children, and she doesn’t. God redeems Hannah’s story by giving her a son who becomes one of the leading prophets of his time. Not only that, but Hannah also goes on to have more children.
God, redeeming badly behaved people, is a theme throughout the Bible. Whether you want to admit it or not, none of us are good people all the time. We slip, we falter but by the grace of God, we can move away from thoughtless, selfish behavior and where we fall short, we have the opportunity to make it right. If you know a mean person, then reading this has probably brought up some painful memories. Like it did for me when I catapulted back into high school with one person’s thoughtless comment. Clearly, it’s still irking me if I’m writing about it right?
In all of this, there is room for grace. For us to understand that the meanness reflects the hurt and trauma this person carries more than it is about a truth or untruth they spoke about me. We should be able to extend grace towards them, without placing ourselves in a position to be hurt by them. Grace without excusing their behaviour. Grace without expecting any in return.
I want to believe that the Mean Girl Syndrome can be totally erased but let’s be real. At the first sign of a mean person, we will retreat to bad habits and want to retaliate or defend ourselves with the only weapon we think we have. Mean words back to the offender.
Deep down, like them, we know exactly what will wound deeply.
Deep down, like them, we know exactly where the cut will be the deepest.
The reality is we have more powerful weapons.
No response is a weapon. Completely ignoring the vicious comment and continuing with conversation will unsettle and throw the meanie off track. They are wanting a reaction. Don’t give them one.
Acknowledging the mean words is a weapon. Repeat it back aloud to them. “To be clear, did you just say…………?”
Setting boundaries is a weapon. You need to be clear about what is tolerable and not. Disengaging instead of retaliating is a weapon. You do not owe a mean person politeness! Disengage from the conversation and walk away.
Protect your circle when they are exposed to mean people. Calling out meanness immediately with, “That was really inappropriate in the circumstances,” will show the mean person that they can’t just speak thoughtlessly in your presence.
I want to end with saying I practiced this during my episode. I ignored the dig and carried on with conversation and eventually moved out of that situation without any further barbed comments coming my way. My instinct was to Cookie Lyon slap the person into the middle of next week. Seriously, you have heard me say it many times. Phoenix Lynne don’t play these games.
Until I remembered ‘grace’. Grace that God the Father has extended to me by forgiving me for all the deliberate and unintentional sins I have committed, including all the mean girl comments I have ever made in my life.
Extend grace. It was a deliberate thought. “Zip your mouth!” I told myself. I was intentional about it because……well Phoenix Lynne…….she also knows bad words.
I had to extend the same grace I was given to someone who, in that moment, was badly in need of it.
Truth be told, we are all desperately in need of grace every day of our lives.