May was graduation season here in South Africa. Youth Day and Father’s Day is peeking around the corner. Roland started having great expectations for Father’s Day…….on Mother’s Day and Caitlin is already planning how to skip her Masters grad ceremony. They are Dad and Little Dad.They both play the piano, they are both in academia and they both like eggs, bacon and avo. They both like prawns. Thank goodness a chicken has 2 wings because they both like that piece of the chicken too! They often still travel together. They both operate at a completely different pace than I do. You make of that what you will. They look very similar. No-one has to squint their eyes to realise they are father and daughter.
It’s cute. And annoying.
This was Cait’s second grad ceremony and she didn’t want to attend. The whole ‘been there done that’ reasoning until we convinced her she had worked very hard for it and needed to be there. I received a certificate for Explore (which is a bible study course offered by George Whitefield College) and I dressed up, slapped on some high heels and pranced around like I obtained a PhD!! I did fabulously well. I would post my marks here except those (amazing) marks do not translate into me being the best example of a follower of Christ.
My faith is flawed, and the fruit of my faith sometimes dies an ugly death before anyone sees it.
The degrees, diplomas and certificates are amazing to have but in the real world, all of us are whittled down to the same level. It does not translate into you being the best employee, best leader, or even the best person for the job. It will allow you to get that coveted job someone lesser qualified than you would get. You certainly earn more money. Your bonuses might look better. You may convince yourself that you have arrived but no matter how high up you climb on the employment chain, we all face the same office politics, the same good and bad leaders, the same lazy (crazy?) co-worker, the same stress and the same wish to win the lotto and never have to work again!
Watching Roland with Caitlin (and Kelsie) I am always flabbergasted at the lengths he goes to for them. Twice now, he has walked the pathways at a university for hours, going from faculty to faculty to make sure they were where they were supposed to be. Not to check on them. To make sure they were accepted for their field of study. Not to bribe his way in. To deal with a less than organised tertiary institution who were ignoring valid applications. Once, because Caitlin was on a waiting list forever and the ‘accepted’ letter was just not arriving! He paid the registration fees on a Friday. She started classes on Monday. That’s how close it was. Second-when Kelsie’s online application got lost somewhere between the submit button and the university inbox! I would have said, “Just study next year there’s nothing we can do.”
Not him.
He has no great expectations from them except that they go live their lives. He only expects his monthly ‘treat’ from Caitlin, which used to be half price sushi and sadly for both of them who loved the food, the place has now closed down. RIP O’Galito’s Centurion. He has also been asking for some highly priced bedroom shoes for Father’s Day. That’s about it.
I, on the other hand have made it very clear that I don’t care if she is married and has her own children or moves away. I want my treat! It’s a very small expectation seeing I gave birth to her.
He does not expect to be paid back in any shape, form or manner for buying her a car. He did tell her to start filling up the tank with her own money as soon as she got a part-time job but he still fills up her tank occasionally. He sorted out a healthy deposit to secure it, the installments, convinced me to pay insurance (verrrry reluctantly) and the tracker. He washes the car and covers it so that the leaves don’t overwhelm it. Starfire is supposed to be her baby, but he takes care of it. He pays her gym fees, medical aid, lunches, buys a particular brand (which they both wear), books and pays for their holidays. As a dad, no-one can ever fault him as a provider.
Now, let me pause here. I was watching a very interesting clip where one of the speakers said, “You ladies be out here advertising your man for other women to come get, then you surprised when they make their move.” Errrrr no. I’m not advertising Roland for anything. You check own heart lady (and I use the title loosely) if you think me highlighting his good characteristics translates into, “Come take him.” He has plenty of bad qualities. As do I. When did complimenting your husband become a flag for, “Jolene, come take my man.” That’s in reference to Dolly Parton’s song. I don’t know any Jolene who wants my man. I also won’t beg Jolene not to take him!
In reality, Jolene – she’s out there writing country songs, being her own kind of fabulous, doing life – not caring about other people’s husbands.
https://youtu.be/L0eeSoU35wM?si=l3CL2sNbK51WDGzx
Pffffffft.
Moving along. For many in my generation, we did not have the luxury where our parents could afford to do any of the things I mentioned above. They could barely take of themselves. I was blessed enough that my late mother was wise with her money, right down to paying for her own funeral cover. My sister also spoiled her enormously with good things. She had everything she needed and she was content.
Others in my generation have had to support at least 5 family members financially, while trying to build their own lives.
Many young people carried the responsibility of caring for a parent/s. Where you could not do life, because your parents had suffered through and bore the scars of apartheid. They just did not have the means to earn a good enough salary to save for a good retirement. They were too busy trying to put food on the table and keep a roof over their family’s heads.
They also had to take care of THEIR parents and extended families. Which left nothing over for them to care for themselves as they got older.
This phenomenon still exists. The great expectation, not for the young person to live their best lives, but to do the best they can to take care of parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and anyone else in between. For some, freedom may never come. For some, who are fortunate enough, freedom might be a generation away.
Roland does not expect monetary or other repayment from his girls. He earned every single one of his 4, 5,6 (I lose track) degrees through scholarships and bursaries and hard work. His constant refrain to me is that his children must never be able to say he didn’t set them up for a good life. He has given them every opportunity he can, for them to have a better start than we had.
Me? I say I want diamonds and pearls, and they must buy me a holiday house in Seychelles!!
That’s really just a joke because we are, by the grace of God, the first generation where we will be able to give our children freedom. Freedom from having to pay our bills and pay for our funerals!
Freedom from us.
I didn’t grow up with this overwhelming dad presence I witness in my home. I had other people’s dads often trying to fill those shoes and they were great. My pastor, my uncles, my cousins. It’s nothing compared to observing close up how a dad should be providing and caring for his children. I am often annoyed by the shenanigans I am pulled into because he is a good dad. But his obligations don’t stop there.
I think a good reminder to dads for Father’s Day is that more than monetary obligations you have to your children, you are responsible for shaping their faith.
You owe it to them to point them to their heavenly Father.
You owe it to them to love God, first, wholeheartedly and with your entire being.
You owe it to them to lead them to Christ or provide an environment where they have an opportunity to meet Him.
You owe it to them to point them to the scriptures to fight their battles.
You owe it to them to be on your knees seeking God’s face, so they learn how to do the same.
You owe it to them to give Godly counsel.
You owe it to them to partake of the Lord’s supper with them.
You owe it to them to pray over them diligently and consistently.
You owe it to them to serve them. That’s how they learn how to serve.
You owe it to them to love their mother.
You owe it to them to love God’s people, so they learn how to.
You owe it to them to represent their heavenly Father well, so they have no doubts that they are loved beyond measure, unconditionally, both here on earth and in heaven, owing nothing in return.