Work Hard, Love Hard

Fresh off the heels of Valentine’s Day, having spent my day at home alone for the most part, then cooking up a home supper, I’m still recovering from the pleasure of having had my home all to myself. At any given time, someone is home with me. Everyone has a flurry of activities and varying schedules, so, it’s a rare treat to sit down with a cup of tea, with just myself in the house. I forget that they probably feel the same way. Having embraced the ‘work from home’ model, you guessed it-I’m always home! It’s so easy to forget that the things I want are probably the same things others in my home might want too. My kids probably also look forward to a day where I’m not around barking instructions and Roland probably looks forward to having a day where I’m not rambling on in some meeting, because even though I work in my study, you who know me know it is not a quiet affair! Before I get a barrage of WhatsApp texts asking me what was for supper-it was crumbed chicken and potato salad. I don’t make it often because there are way too many steps involved. Steam the chicken. Let it cool. Flour the chicken. Egg the chicken. Crumb the chicken (using 2 different types of crumbs!). Fry the chicken. Clean up the mess from the crumbing station. Clean up the stove from the frying. Let's not forget the Valentine's day tradition of a heart shaped chocolate cake, dripping with chocolate ganache, topped with flakes of Aero. It was a labour of love. Hard work!

Love, in my experience, is hard work. Gone are the days when I was young and stupid thinking that love was easy. That it was a constant, non-stop musical where everyone was smiling and dancing and singing. Where birds chirped when we kissed, and animals came and ate out of my hand as we walked in the park. I wasn’t just young and stupid- I also read too many romance novels and clearly watched too many Disney movies!

Also gone are the days when I thought that everyone was rooting for my love story. Where I naively believed that everyone wanted us to succeed. The cruel reality is that some people want to see your story end at Chapter 3, with no chance of a sequel. Some people take great pleasure when your love story starts unravelling. Some insert themselves as an unwanted, additional character. And there’s those who fantasize about your untimely death, while they meander into your role and replace you as the of the heroine of your love story. There are all sorts.

I love hearing about real-life love stories. Of how people met and fell in love and their ordinary lives became inextricably woven together as they started their journey. I love hearing of how, against all odds, facing opposition, people fought and built a life together. I remember my one friend telling me of a letter her father had written to her mother and one of the lines was, “I’m desirous of your company today.” Goosebumps and shivers. Swoon. So old fashioned and elegant. Same kind of swooning and shivers as when Roland swept me off my feet by playing Richard Marx ‘Right Here Waiting for You’

https://youtu.be/S_E2EHVxNAE

Over the years I had to let go of some unrealistic expectations and adjust my childish views on what love should look like. The Disney inspired rose-colored view that only worked for animated characters.

The biggest change came when I encountered the One whose love superseded all else, including that of my spouse. It was the realization that the Creator of the Universe loves me and cherishes me and has written me into His great love story. The realization that His love completes me. His loves revives me. His love is unconditional and never-ending, full of mercy and grace. The timeless love story that started with a King who came to this earth and gave His life for me, and it hasn’t ended yet. It’s a daily experience with the One who is my Beloved, as I am His.

From that, came a few concepts that have helped me to keep this love story going. It’s still hard work. It’s a daily decision. The decision to keep my love story alive. To fight for the ‘until death do us part’ ending.

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> Not The Perfect Shot

Back to our favorite swear words of the century. Social Media. The highlight reels with the perfect lighting and gorgeous background. The breath-taking proposal and the breathless, “Yes!” The gondola ride and the island holiday. My own social media pages reflect this as well. We only post our good moments. Why on earth would I post my dirty kitchen and garage that looks like a hurricane swept through it? Why would I post myself without make-up? Or early in the morning doing the school run in my pajamas (then arriving home and being too embarrassed to get off the car because my neighbor’s study faces my garage and now, he was going to see my get off the car with weird pj’s)? Why would I post about the argument that led to sounds of silence for 2 whole days? Or the time I shouted at the solar guy or was ill and didn’t wash my hair for 3 days? We don’t post about the time we disagreed with our besties, and we didn’t speak for a week. We post the boomerangs of our birthday celebrations and the fabulous gifts. We all want people to see us at our best so quit judging anyone’s relationship based on what you see splashed across social media pages. It’s liberating and energizing to eventually accept that what you see is a moment in time. Momentary. A snapshot. It’s not an everyday reality and much like paging through an old-fashioned photo album, we don’t include the out-of-focus, blurred shots. Savor those perfect posts, but accept that what we see, is just that. Head down, tilt head (no double chin) click, edit and post. A perfectly timed, perfectly posed, perfect shot. Love is full of imperfections. It’s those imperfect moments that bring us together and make us stronger.

> Comparison

The thief of joy as the old saying goes. That comparison trap is one we have all fallen into at some stage or the other. I want what you have without realizing the amount of work that went into getting to the part of journey I’m currently on. I want what you have without being willing to do any of the work that got me to the point of the journey I’m currently at. I dress how you dress losing my own unique identity. I put myself into debt to have the same wine glasses you have. I want, what my perception of your relationship is, and my coveting causes me to lose focus on my own relationship, until it’s too late to salvage.

One of the key things that got me past this was gratitude. Keeping a gratitude journal, spending a minute being silent and just being thankful for various things. I used to be the wife who always complained that her husband didn’t cook. That all meal prep fell on my shoulders, and it led to grumpiness and arguments. It didn’t make things better that my brother-in-law and most of my friends’ husbands were amazing cooks! The number of times I gritted my teeth thinking if only! Except, Roland was amazing at other things, that he did exceptionally well, of all which didn’t have any place in the kitchen. All I could see was that other women came home to a cooked meal, and I didn’t.

The minute I started being grateful for all the ‘other’ things, it suddenly didn’t matter that I did all the cooking. It didn’t matter that his idea of helping me out was a Woolies rotisserie chicken. So what if he didn’t make it himself? Did it serve the purpose? Yes-it did! With gratitude came contentment. Just being happy with what I have and being equally happy with what I don’t have.

Lastly, I decided to compete with myself instead of other people. Instead of wanting someone else’s blog, I focus on consistently writing and posting my own pieces. Same principles translate to my ongoing love story. Instead of wanting what another couple has, I focus on how we can do things differently and better. Compete with your own self. Take yourself to another level from where you were last year. Be grateful while you do it.

> It Takes Two

This is a simple concept. It cannot only be only the wife or only the husband trying to write the next chapter. It must be both of you willing to continue making that decision, daily, to not give in to the temptation to write “THE END”. It also means excluding any 3rd party. That could be in-laws, children, careers, addictions, friends, even church. Now, that last part is probably going to get me into trouble but serving in church and serving the church should never come at the cost of your marriage and the responsibilities you carry as a husband or a wife. Anything or anyone that insinuates itself into your marriage and disrespects the sanctity of the institution is not good for you and has got to get the boot. The only 3rd party you should be allowing into your marriage is the Trinity (The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit) who will guide your decisions and help you remain committed to the covenant you made to your partner.

> Marriage Night

No disrespect if date night is something you practice. I once had a laugh when single, dating people posted about their date night! That was a concept reserved for married people, in an attempt to get them to keep their romance alive, the way they did when they were dating. If you’re dating, why do you need a date night?

Now me, I’m the sort that thinks once you are married, you should have things you do that only married people get to do. Disclaimer: As much as I love fancy dinners #CasaBella, #Olive&Plates (Roland has already told me he owes me a Valentines supper), as much as I love all the romance of unique, adventurous things people do, I also love the things that characterize us as an old married couple. Reading in bed until one of us falls asleep (usually me) and we must be nudged awake because the snoring (usually me) is ruining the other one’s book. Shopping for a carpet and debating over whether it will be a timeless piece or looks like it belongs in the prop section of the college drama department. That unscheduled coffee where you get to dissect how badly behaved your children were and what steps to take to prevent it from happening again. I think we all need one night a week that we call marriage night. We don’t have to do things to re-live or re-create our dating days but rather focus on activities that will strengthen and cement our determination to make this thing work!

Marriage night. Commit to reading a chapter of a book on marriage for that night. Spend time doing a quick bible study together. Re-watch the sermon from the past Sunday. Compare notes you made at men’s group or women’s group. Review your schedules and align them so that you both can serve in church instead of just one party. Spend time with the kids, if you have them, because that’s part of your marriage. Cook a meal together and watch your favorite sitcom-the one that makes you laugh out loud (the snorting, gut busting laugh that you can’t do in a public place!) Embracing all the things that define us as being married, a single unit with one single mission. Love God. Love people.

> Fault Lines

Make no mistake we all have faults. Wives have them. Husbands have them. Every great marriage has probably had to endure great obstacles, great disappointments, great trials. We have had some epic failures where we didn’t apply some or any of these concepts the way we should have. I have acquired many friends along the way, different ages, races, socio-economic standing, different religious beliefs, and all on different paths of life. I sometimes had to pinch myself when I would hear the same complaints concerning relationships coming out of varying different personalities. We all have those human traits that cause us to make the same mistakes and display the same faults in our character. There is no-one exempt from this.

Looking from the outside in, it’s easy to deceive ourselves that others have a faultless relationship, never having made any mistakes, or failed along the way. It’s one of two things. One, is that they have worked hard to get to that point where their relationship comes across as a seamless execution of married life, deserving of admiration and emulation. The other is the great cover up. The fault lines are seamlessly covered up with smooth stories and hidden truths. The latter is a dangerous path, that leaves no room for improvement because all energies are spent on putting up the façade. It makes it very difficult to ask for help because we have painted the picture of ‘perfect’ and the great cover up prevents us from ever repairing the fault lines. Ditch the pursuit of perfection. Embrace your faults and work on them. Accept your partners faults while they work on being better. Together you are imperfect people, working on an imperfect marriage, both loved by a perfect God, who makes all the difference on the journey you are on. Allowing Him to take over will shift your focus from everything imperfect in your life to a holy and righteous God and the chances are good that He will use those very inadequacies for His glory.

> Just Do Your Verse

This last one and perhaps the most important one came from one of my favourite speakers, the former Rector at Christ Church Midrand, Martin Morrison. I can’t even remember the entire sermon, although I’m sure if I search hard enough, I will find my sermon notebook and find the context. What stuck in my mind was when he said, “Just do your verse!” Of course, it’s human nature to want to apply things to other people but what if we flipped the script and applied everything to ourselves first?

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Oh- this one I struggled with. How? Did this mean not having an opinion? Did this mean giving in when I didn’t agree? Did this mean going to a jazz concert instead of the movies (gasp, shock and horror!)? There is no straight, simple answer. It’s a combination of things. It’s getting my relationship with Christ right first before I attempt to submit to my husband. It’s not approaching this verse with trepidation but embracing this as part of God’s plan for how a marriage should work. It’s letting go of my feminist views and realising it’s not me vs. him. It’s us-better together, rather than acting alone.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. How did Christ give himself up? He died for His church. So, yes, the implication is a husband must be willing to die for his wife. Sobering thought. Look, I am open to debating this with you, gentlemen, but it is a conversation that should take place between you and God. It’s God’s word and if you believe the Bible to be true, we cannot exclude parts of it based on how convenient or inconvenient it is. It’s going back to just doing your own verse. If she didn’t do her verse for today, do yours and watch how seamlessly she automatically goes back to doing her own verse. If he didn’t do his verse today, you do yours and watch him move back to the place of loving how Christ loved.

Just do your verse.

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Post Valentine’s Day, my menu consists of beer battered hake for myself and the girls and baked fish for Roland. Another labor of love because he grandly announced his low carb high protein meal plan this morning. A labor because it’s 3 different meals. A certain fussy child is not going to eat fish! Love, because the only way this story reaches its natural conclusion is if everything we do is done in love. (1Corinthians 16:14)