The One I Hope I Am Not

I might as well start off by saying that many of you, men and women, are not going to like what I’m about to write. It is going to come across as harsh, unsupportive, and perhaps a little judgmental. Please feel free to find a feel-good piece somewhere else and let’s part as friends.

I was asked some weeks ago to interview a beautiful, accomplished lady for International Women’s Day. While in the middle of juggling many difficult things right now, I got to have a convo with someone who started off as a vendor we used at work, and who slowly became a trusted female voice, not just in my career, but also in my personal life. We had some giggles and put together something to be aired on our internal channels. As I edited the piece, I suddenly found myself evaluating the many women I am surrounded by, without whom I would not be where I am today.

The ones who call me and check on me. The ones who send me flowers and buy me chocolates. The ones who will find that special unusual journal to gift me. The ones who don’t wait for my birthday to spoil me. The ones who take time to advise me and call me out when I am not being Christ-like. The ones who don’t allow me to stray from Gods word.  The ones who care for me from across the seas and the ones who diligently pray, not just for me, but for my husband and children too. The ones who let me know in no uncertain terms that I am loved and cherished by another sister.

However, this piece is not about them. I honour them and value these fierce, strong women whenever I get a chance. A gift, a thoughtfully crafted poem on their birthdays, setting aside time to have a conversation or just setting aside time to pray for them. No. They are covered.

This piece is about the other kinds of women we find in this world. The one’s who lack respect (self and any other kind there is), the ones who cross boundaries and stab you in the back. The ones who want to steal your husband and the ones who scheme and gossip, hoping you would get run over by a self-driving car that suddenly malfunctions!!

Oh, you know who you are.

1.     The Husband Stealers

Sigh. I posted something on my status recently and got a myriad of reactions. I was listening to 947, a local radio station and one of the presenters said, “Maid and husbands. #ForeverStealable.” It was incredibly funny but also incredibly true.

Stop wanting what someone else has spent years building and go build your own future.

When invited to a gathering, or event or attending any religious or other activity, stop going with the mindset of husband/boyfriend hunting. Once you arrive and you perhaps find someone who you fancy – if they are there with a wife or a date then that person is off-limits. I don’t care if there’s chemistry or you have 20 000 things in common. OFF LIMITS. I also don’t care if you can see she treats him badly or he treats you like you have always wanted to be treated. Unless there’s a death certificate or a court order saying ‘divorced’ – he is not for you. You are responsible for YOU. You are responsible for your behavior.

Proverbs 30:20 “This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, I’ve done nothing wrong.”

I didn’t say it. This is straight out of the Bible. Take it up with God if you don’t like what His word says.

Proverbs 5:3-4 “For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is as bitter as poison, as dangerous as a double-edged sword.”

I think you get the picture. If you have gotten embroiled in something, reach out to a friend or someone you trust to talk about it and get out. If this is you and no-one pointed this out to you before, now you that you do know, make a change.

2.     The Users

Hmmmmm. Oh, you are only good and wanted when you can give something. Just try going through a difficult time yourself and watch the users fade away into the sunset. They take your time venting, and they take your money very happily. They take your energy and take your advice. But when its crunch time, the users have no qualms about cutting you off and throwing you out with the recycling.

Stop this nonsense. We know who you are. We extend ourselves to you hoping to give you a helping hand to get ahead. There’s nothing questionable about our intentions. It’s you that’s the problem. Stop having transactional friendships. Stop using other women. Stop using them to get ahead or to trample on to feel better about yourself. Stop just taking. Try being a giver for once and see how quickly your circumstances look and feel better.

Matthew 7:12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

3.     The Gossip Warriors

You who love stories and to hear about other people’s calamities. How does it make your life better to celebrate someone else’s downfall? I have seen people pretend to be concerned when a marriage ends, or a child goes astray or a family feud starts. The minute they end that conversation, they are busy broadcasting it to anyone who will listen. Under the guise of concern. Under the guise of ‘what can we do to help?’ The help never seems to materialize but the stories could fill up JK Rowlings next best seller.

The best part? Those being gossiped about know who you are. Are you foolish enough to think that those you gossip to have not gossiped about you?

Proverbs 10:18

Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool

Proverbs 11:13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.

4.     The Drama Queens

We see you Queen. You’re just the wrong kind of queen. You love drama and you love to be in the centre of it. You will stoke the fire to get drama going again. It’s as if you are allergic to peace. You hate to see others getting along if you are excluded from it. You exaggerate and tell tall tales to get drama going.

Save yourself while you still can.

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offences. Basically, Proverbs is calling you a Hater! Once again, I didn’t say it.

5.     The Attention Seeker

The one who laughs too loud, talks too loud and wants to be the centre of attention. The one who always steers the conversation to themselves and never knows when to shut up. They will even drone on in a whatsapp conversation! The one who pretends to care, migrating from person to person, hugging and engaging in many conversations. The one who gives to be noticed. The one who offers a shoulder to cry on to but has no real concern for your well-being.  The intention is for people to SEE you. Yeah, we see you. And we are calling bullshit on your behavior.

Just stop.

Proverbs 27:2 Let another praise you, and not your own mouth: a stranger and not your own lips.

Romans 2:8 But for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury.

6.     The Boundary Crossers

Most female boundary crosses cross boundaries regarding men. Yes, you do. You push the limits of what’s acceptable. You skate on the edges of impropriety but you’re clever enough that you think no-one can call you out on it. You’re the kind of woman who will know in her heart that she is wrong but will call another woman insecure. Darling, when we look in the mirror we don’t see YOU- so no. We are not insecure.

You’re the kind of woman who will start with, “We are just…..friends, just talking, just working together, just having coffee. The ‘just’ doesn’t justify your crap. We are on to you. You are accountable for YOU. If you feel empowered and in control by behaving this way, please continue. But you are reading this and realise that perhaps you have gone off the path for a bit, it’s never too late to draw the boundary lines again and fix this unsavory pattern of behavior.

Titus 2:11-12. For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldy passions, and to live self controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ………..

Now, I know some of you are thinking, “Geeeeez - someone made Lynne mad!” That’s how social media works right? We speculate and wonder and hypothesize.  I’m actually having a chilled kind of day. I have cooked my prawns and fish curry for my supper. Oh, I also made some lamb curry with peas and potatoes.

I’m in the middle of a really good book and I must study for an upcoming exam. When the calendar marked International Women’s Day, I couldn’t miss the opportunity to address these toxic traits that I have encountered and hear about from other women, almost on a daily basis. I could not remain silent when I have been the recipient of shoddy behavior from  fellow sisters.

I wrote it as reminder to myself as well. That we all are capable of this kind of behavior if we ever allow ourselves to be far away from the word of God and the counsel of wise, noble women. Happy International Women's day to the one’s who hold me up and have my back. Happy International Women's day to the ones who recognize themselves in the examples above. Accept that you do it and commit to some introspections. Ask your nearest and dearest if these apply to you. There’s a certain liberation that comes with acknowledging we have shortcomings.

There’s always room to grow and change. To do better. To be better.