The List

It wasn’t a surprise to me when I was described as an ambivert. You might be thinking, “Is this another condition this lady suffers from? I didn’t sign up to read about her various medical conditions.”

An ambivert is someone who has both extrovert and introvert traits, depending on the circumstances. I’m a talker and a listener. I like to be amongst people, but I also need my alone time. ALONE.

I’m outgoing but I’m also reserved depending on who is on the other side of the interaction. I’m sufficiently assertive but can tone it down to be vulnerable when the need arises.

I’m a happy balance of both ‘verts’, so it should come as no surprise that I have many friends and many acquaintances. I have a dozen different activities going at once because my friends rope me into various things. It’s the mission of my life to explain to my children that not all friends are good for you. Of course, when you are young and errrrr foolish, you will not listen, much like I didn’t listen to my mother, and you learn the hard way.

I was recently roped into doing the JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge which is a simple 5km walk/run to raise funds for a particular cause.

Roped in by a colleague and friend much younger than me. Not so young that she can call me mum, but she does. She says it's because I look after her like a mum.

She has roped me in previously to do the same race. To visit the dietician. To start getting Vitamin B shots. To visit the optician when I vehemently said, “My eyes are perfect!” and I walked out with reading glasses. To buy dollars. To be creative because she buys me gifts that allow me to use the right side of my brain. Paint by numbers. Diamond dot art. 3D PUZZLES!! I seriously went into panic mode when I saw the box with a 3D grand piano puzzle.

I cannot deny that she has roped me into all good things.

As I huffed and puffed to get my 5km done and listened to my friend encouraging me and calling out the metres of our progress while engaging with people around her, it got me thinking about friends who need to stay and friends who have to go.

Some stay for life. Some have got to go.

It has been tough lessons to learn but let me highlight a few that have had to go.

Friends Without Borders

Oh boy. There are many of these around and they come in all shapes and sizes.

I wish I could put up pictures like the FBI has of the 'most wanted.'

This would be 'biggest boundary breakers.' Of course that is neither Christ-like nor very mature so I will refrain!!

They cross relationship boundaries. If you have friends who want or have access to you the way your spouse has, alarm bells shouldn’t just be ringing. You should be getting smacked on the head with the bell. That will snap you out of it very quickly. My solution would be to smack the boundary breaker..........but like I said........Christ-like..........mature......... so I don't.

 Men – if your female friends are not as good friends with your wife as they are with you, that’s a problem. Women- if your male friends cannot pick up the phone and have an equally engaging conversation with your husband as they do with you – it’s out the door they go.

Friends of the opposite sex are great to mush out ideas, get advice, get different perspectives.

Your spouse should never be the topic of discussion. EVER.  

The solution is you. You have to draw the line and set them straight and send them on their merry way. Let go of boundary breakers. There’s a price to pay for keeping them around. And you’re usually the one paying it.  They’s gots to go.

Call When Needed Crew

You can be lying comatose on the side of the road, and you will never hear from this friend. And it won't be because you're in a coma! It will be because they call when they need you.

Let them be in need of money, attention, venting, a favour and they will pop up like a bothersome boil under your arm.

Oh and of course, they never, ever ask you how you or your family is doing.

Friendship is a two-way street. Always has been.

I don’t mean that you need to speak every day or even every week. I do mean that you don’t get to be in touch ONLY when you want something. Technology has made staying in touch so simple! A voice note, a one-line text. Send a scripture. Or a meme. A quote. So many ways to connect if you are short on time.

“Thinking of you. Busy week ahead. Let’s catch up soon.”

“Work is hectic. Family even more. Let’s do coffee soon.”

“Praying for you.”

You see how simple it is.

Friendship is about connection and not to be treated like a clearance sale. Where you come in for what you can get at a bargain and dash out.

Do you feel like the ordinary days don’t matter to them and they only show up when they are benefiting from the interaction? They’s gots to go.

The Calendar Ghosts

Sigh. Where you can never get a gap in friends’ calendars!

There are valid reasons for cancellations. There are significant reasons for re-scheduling plans.

Then there’s just, “I really don’t give a damn if I see you soon or not!”

It becomes apparent when you are always the one trying to make plans. Don’t get me wrong. Some people are bad planners and that’s ok. And when someone else makes plans, they make the effort and show up. There’s also those who constantly decline because their calendars are always full, but you never seem to be in it.

Makes you wonder about where you fall into their list of ‘people I want to see.’

Do they even make an effort in other ways if plans are constantly cancelled? A video call to chat. A voice call to share news and ask about you.

Have you reached a stage where the cancellations no longer leave you feeling disappointed but frustrated at how this friendship unfolds? They’s gots to go.

The Rivalry Crew

Friendly rivalry that pushes you to better yourself is always a plus.

What’s not on is a crew that always has to have what you have, travel where you travel, compare their achievements, trumpet their triumphs and generally ends up with a ‘mine is bigger than yours,’ scenario.

Pushing you to achieve more because they believe in your capabilities and your determination. Not because they want to show you how they are always a step ahead of you. Or to make you feel less than. They want you to achieve as long as you don’t get ahead of them.

I chastened some people about always responding with, “When we did that…..” or “When I went there……”

If friends are travelling, listen to their plans without interrupting and acting like you work for a travel company. If they are buying something and you own it, shut up unless they ask for your advice. If they are studying, don’t interrupt with your own dismal stories of why they shouldn’t study that. Does the friendship make you feel overshadowed, undervalued and under pressure to achieve what they want you achieve? They’s gots to go!

The race went well. My friend could have easily made better time as she had shown me during her training. Instead, she stayed by my side, pointing out potholes so I didnt trip and hurt myself, constantly asking if I need water, need a snack, need to catch my breath. It was my 1st major event since my Hashi's diagnosis without Roland or my family around. I didn't miss them because I had her.

I was hangry at the end.....hungry and angry because the food was not grand. She got me extra rolls to line my rumbling belly until I got home. Got me fruit juice. Checked in when she arrived home.

She has already decided we are both going to keep training for next year and make better time...........and maybe do the Run Your City Race in September in Johannesburg? We also saw highlights of the Kazungula Bridge marathon on Friday, with spectacular views, running from Botswana into Ghana.

Hmmmmm I don't know about that but hey, it would be a good thing to get roped into. To achieve together.

Last year I told my friends and family in no uncertain terms that I have a list.

Yes.

A list.

If you start falling into one of the above categories, I put you on the list. I extend some chances. As any nice, normal ambivert should.

I call. I checkup.

I invite you to in-person things. Rope you into bible studies. Rope you in to reading books. Rope you in to attend online stuff. I send encouragement.

Voice notes ……although some people call it podcasts.

I send scriptures.

I put you in my prayer journal.

We miss each other’s calls, we try again.

When the trying stops, then you know you’re on my list.

Once you’re on it, you’re walking on thin ice. Not because I think so highly of myself. I value people and their time. I make a genuine, loving, wholesome effort to connect and rope you in to good stuff.

If you don’t do the same for me………..well……..you’s gots to go!