Communitas

Back to school traffic, lunches, uniforms, fees and timetables. That’s the topics I hear mentioned in the corridors. The 1^st week of February rolled around and everyone says they feel like they have never been away on leave.

Returning from the December break, they hit the ground running and haven’t stopped since. I can’t disagree.

I really don’t enjoy being back at the office. Not because I don’t love collaborating and working with other people.

Although, I suspect if I had ever gone to creche or playschool as a child, I would have been the one throwing others out of the sandbox!

Before you or anyone else thinks I’m referring to where I work, this is a collection of etiquette stories I have either seen myself or heard about from family and friends.

You all know by now that if you are my family and friends, chances are something you told me is going to end up on these pages.

Isn’t it such a joy to know me?

I love the way our organisation has kitted out our campuses. It’s welcoming, fabulous décor, artwork to envy, comfy ergonomic chairs, amazing food in the canteens, creative workspaces and the ability to maximise the hybrid work life.

No – my dislike of office days boils down to one thing.

People.

Which is a terrible thing to say because my faith boils down to 2 things.

Love God. Love people.

People seem to have lost their manners, their etiquette and have just become very badly behaved.

Why has no-one written a guide for corporates, to be handed out to all staff about how you should behave in the workplace? Why are there no guides on how people should behave at the mall or churches or other places of worship.

At school awards. At concerts. At the cinema.

You can tell me it’s about tolerance and being accommodating but if this how the adults behave what hope do we have for the children they have sent off to school and universities?

Since we spend most hours of our lives at work, I thought there’s a few things worth mentioning but these are not native to a work environment:

The Catwalk

“People are more than just the way they look” – Madeleine L’Engle

She is an amazing author, one of my favourites, and of course it is true but when it comes to public appearances, we just have to add more to it.

 Personal appearance.

The way you dress.

The clothes you wear.

This can be a long-drawn-out debate. Everyone has their own opinions about how people should dress and what’s considered professional or appropriate clothing.

It’s not just about what you wear.

I had a big blowout with my one child about using a shirt you could see the sleeves were not ironed!

You can quote me every famous line ever written on not judging people by outer appearances, but it counts. Whether you are brave enough to admit it or not.

IRON your clothes or at the very least buy fabrics that don’t require ironing.

Be aware of the length of your skirts and dresses. Standing up and sitting down.

Another blow-out with SAME said child about the length of her school skirt!

Don’t making us voyeurs by allowing us to peek through your blouse or shirt.

See through fabrics……that really should be banned in public.

One of the things I always emphasize to my girls is that when you appear in public you are not just representing yourself.

You are representing us as a family.

You are representing your faith – in our case- you are representing Jesus.

Wear clothes that fit you properly. Stretching buttonholes. It’s a NO on that one.

Wash your clothes. Which conveniently allows me a segue into the next one.

SmellMaiPits

Not to be inappropriate but there’s actually a product out there called exactly that. Check out her Insta page to buy the product.

Smells. Scents. Odours.

It matters.

Use deodorant.

Freshen up before meetings or if you have plans after a long day.

Use breath mints.

DO NOT take off your shoes in the office or anywhere else. We don’t want to see or smell your socks or feet.

It’s a good place to sneak in the story about my friends and I attending a women’s conference that was packed to capacity and one participant let out some air.......not through her mouth. And the lady next to us removed her shoes for the duration of day 1 of the conference. Now, I'm sure God was trying to build some character of ours but this was not a pleasant encounter.

It was so traumatic we still talk about it to this day. 5 years later!

Don’t hobble around on unsuitable heels then take them off to walk around barefoot.

My list is endless on this one so let me stop with – just be clean.

Hot Damn (Desks)

With many of us working at hot desks and open plan spaces, this one cannot be emphasised enough.

Don’t eat at the desk and if you do, be considerate enough to wipe it down when you are done. Surprise, surprise. That’s not the cleaner’s job!

Most offices are fitted with recycling bins. Use them.

Handbags, laptop bags, backpacks on the floor not the desks or any surface.

Germs and all that.

Leave the desk or table surface clear for the next person.

Office Offal

Let me tell you about the one where a microwave was being used to boil trotters. You read right. It was a shared kitchen for all staff, but some of the staff took turns boiling offals.

When I was told this one, I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I am a fan of a good trotters and beans curry. It used to be a family tradition that my sister cooked a giant pot of delicious trotters and beans on New Year’s Day and we lazed around the pool, swimming and eating trotters and beans with fresh, fluffy, white bread. I digress.

I love a good tripe curry braised with baby peas. I digress again!

The problem is not the offals. It’s usually the AWFUL smell that accompanies the offal cooking process.

Just NO. Not at the office.

Then there was the lady who lugged her giant Tupperware water bottle (this was early in the morning so she could have filled up at home) to the water dispenser and casually said, “Time to fill up the Jojo…..” and basically left the dispenser empty when she was done.

Sigh. Words escaped me on this one.

I guess my point is don’t abuse the equipment and facilities that has been made available for everyone in that shared space to enjoy.

Loud Linda

If you know me, you know. I am loud. My default volume is set to ‘shout’. At home, when I’m on a video call with my Kriya, my niece’s daughter, my children go running.

Why I feel the need to speak at the top of my volume I have no idea. She is four. She barely cares what I have to say. But I must be heard. So, I say it loud.

However, when I’m at the office I’m very mindful of my volume and you will often find me with headphones in.

Let’s talk about the chaps who have full on meetings at a hot desk, without earphones. Or have on earphones but you can hear every aspect of the meeting because their responses can be heard outside the building. Or the ones who start talking about their personal lives (which is all well and good) but you have no idea who is sitting in the shared space. Not a good idea to badmouth people in the same organisation without knowing who has sat down at that desk that no-one ever uses, so you ignore them and blab away forgetting they have ears. And phones, on which they can hit record at any given time.

Same applies to nail bars, hair salons and eating or coffee places and horror of horrors, a wellness spa.

Why do we feel the need for everyone at the establishment to hear what we have to say?

I know the answer. Attention seeking. It’s that plain and simple.

I will leave this one right there.

Tick Tock

 A pet peeve of mine which has caused many fights in my home. Just be on time. Be respectful of other people’s time. Leave early. Arrive early. Wait if you are early.

Don't make me late for work. Don't make me late for meetings.

Don’t make me late for church. You will see Lucifer (and it’s not Tom Ellis in a fancy black suit) when I’m supposed to be heading off to a place of worship! A place to refresh my soul. A place to hear God’s word. NOW I AM WALKING IN LATE……………

I have abandoned my family and driven off to church. By myself.

Leaving them to follow, late, and walk in, late.

Oh, then the lunch time discussion was, ‘Why did you leave me behind?’

Why? WHY?

You can see this is a thing for me.

It’s not rocket science.

Be early.

Be a few minutes early for online meetings as well. Exchange some niceties with the people on the call.

‘Hi so and so, we haven’t had a meeting together in a while.’

‘How’s your day been so far?’

Don’t be me. Sometimes I greet people with, ‘Not you again.’ Ja. Don’t do that.

When did we lose our sensibilities about online meetings? If a meeting is set from 10-11, do we have to go right up until 10:59:59?

We still need to dial in to the next meeting, which is the exact time that your laptop will need to be re-started and there you are, bungling into the next meeting with, ‘Apologies my Teams has been acting up this morning.’

Meetings should be set at 45-minute intervals giving everyone a chance in between to stand up, take a comfort break, grab some water or a decaf almond toffee nut latte!

It also gives us a chance to not panic when our connection suddenly drops, or the screen freezes or the unmute icon disappears.

We are still real people in a very real world.

Save the Screen

How you appear on screen matters. Refer to the beginning. Personal appearance.

Have a nice background, set your laptop at a good height. Your face should be visible.

Greet people in an online meeting.

 Cameras should be on for at least the first 5 minutes of a meeting or that’s what I apply in any event.

If there’s new people on the call who haven’t met, then they have a face to the name, not the totally unrealistic profile picture you have where your own mother wouldn’t recognize you.

You can politely suggest that if anyone wants to go off camera after those 5 minutes, then they can.

You should switch on your camera if you are speaking. You can go off camera when you are done with your point. Or wait until that point of discussion is done, then switch off your camera.

We all know what happens off camera. Checking of cellphones, rolling of eyes, gritting of teeth and a fancy white Polo shirt with pajama bottoms!

Use the icons. Put your hand up. Show reactions. Engage in the chat. Be present. Not just at work meetings. On any online interaction.

Oh, and the next person who wants to say, ‘You’re on mute’ – I KNOW.

We all know.

It just takes a second or two to realise it, but we know.

I can see the same screen you can.

Do you feel superior now that you pointed it out to someone else?

Are you getting a bonus for being so observant?

And to be clear, Muteicia, the correct phrase is, ‘Your audio is muted.’

Try, ‘You have lost sound for a moment.’

Or ‘Looks like your audio has dropped.’

Or ‘Would you mind checking your audio, we can’t hear you.’

You’re welcome.

We all have our very odd quirks and habits that can drive other people bonkers. At home, at work. In public places. I probably drive my friends and family utterly nuts with some of mine We are all guilty of one or other behavioural trait that others find unappealing.

Never before in history has there been such a huge movement recognising an individual’s rights to ………...........you can fill in the blank.

The counter argument to what I have written is that everyone has a right to enjoy the shared spaces however they want to.

Which brought me to an interesting concept.

Communitas. Not to be confused with community.

Victor Turner developed communitas in analysing the ritual processes of the Ndembu of Zambia. Ndembu rituals often entailed interacting with ancestral spirits, Turner's thoughts of identifying communitas were through ritual and religion.

The concept has over the years been adapted and misinterpreted and re-visted many times.

I have chosen to list these which stood out to me.

A temporary transformative experience, which can last for an undetermined amount of time. Where structure is absent, communitas kicks in. Where individuals come together to share common goals, a common mission, shared experiences. A collective consciousness. A collaborative effort. Collective joy. A collective identity. Belonging. Togetherness. Creating something bigger than ourselves. Looking beyond our immediate circles.

Thanks to Roland Moses (because he has to be credited -these academics!) for pointing me to Tim Keller’s The Way of Wisdom where Tim writes, “Ancient wisdom taught that you thrive as a person only if you put the needs of your family and community above your own self-interest. Our modern culture rejects this entirely. We are told to ‘be true to ourselves,’ to decide who we want to be and then demand that our community and family recognize and honour that regardless of its impact on relationships. Today we sacrifice the good of the group for the absolute freedom of the individual.”

What if each one of us chose to be just a little more mindful, just a little more considerate, paid a little more attention to our etiquette? What if we quit self-indulgent behavior?

I can bet that no-one would be commissioned to write that guide /handbook on behaviour for corporate or any other institution.

Although, I’m happy to offer my services should anymore want me to tell someone exactly like it is.

What if communitas became important again? Where we find social norms and structure have fallen away, we collectively come together to change things.

Moving and connecting people through common social values.

So, feel free to share this one.

Take it to the water cooler, where you will fill up your glass, not your Jojo and talk about whether you are someone who has behaved badly in public spaces. What tiny change can you make to do better. To be better.