Mind Your Manners

My eldest niece gave me a Spa treatment as a Christmas gift last year. It was a really lovely gesture to work out the kinks of the long work year, relax and have time to myself. When I mentioned this to one of my good friends, she decided to spoil me and gave me a Spa treatment as well for a birthday gift. As an added bonus, she included getting my nails done. As I walked into the nail treatment area, there was a lady busy on her cellphone, having her nails done. Despite SPA being in the name of the establishment, she went on to have a loud, 10-minute conversation. She then made another call and was going on for more than 15 minutes, at which point I decided to say something. Next came the obnoxious act of putting the call on speaker, and telling the person on the other end that she was allowed to go anywhere, these days, she was free to go where she wanted. In true bad friend style,  that persons response was, “You do you!”

No-don’t do you if it’s a display of atrocious manners.

Whilst this lady tried to turn this into a race issue, my response was that manners is not a race or cultural or age or gender issue. It is a human issue. Good manners never killed anyone! Now, very often my kids tell me I’m rude. I admit- I sometimes forget to say please and thank you to them, especially when I’m issuing an instruction. Addressing this woman, in their minds, is rude. Telling a waitress  not to serve me while reaching across the table is rude. Telling someone to not litter is rude.  At which point my tolerance meter flips to zero because in the old days, I would have gotten a smack and would have never, ever again sassed my mother.

So, here’s a few things that have crossed my path, which I’m sure is nothing new but bears repeating. Some of these are your pet peeves and some you're guilty of. I’m pretty sure if you adopt any of these, people will start to notice. In a good way.

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> Cellphones Chaos

Of course, I start with this one, since it’s the reason for this post. Why? Why do we all need to hear about your business? If I took a photo of you while you talked on your phone, I would hear all about the protection of your information, consent,  privacy blah blah. Well, my ears need protection from hearing your conversation. It’s called a mobile phone. If it’s so urgent, then find a quiet, private spot and take the call. Now, ladies, forgive me. Please stop taking calls in a nail salon!! Some of us are there to escape from the clamour going on at home. It’s time to breathe and just be pampered. Put your phone in your bag and enjoy the moment.

Don’t use the speaker option in public. If you forgot your earphones or buds, then just wait to take the call when the rest of us can't hear about your medical diagnosis, the co-worker who got the job instead of you or that your manager is a rotten so and so.

Oh, your playlist? Is yours! We don’t want to hear it hurtling through the air, whizzing around our ears like a pesky mosquito.

The most recent trend with my kids is using air pods whilst in the car because they don't like the choice of music we chose or the radio station that we’re tuned into. Are you kidding me? Earphones have it’s place but not in a group and not unless everyone has agreed (think study group) and definitely not whilst others around you are having a conversation, which you are a part of.

Finally, to end this point, how many more times must the pastor announce that you should switch off your phones in church or at least silence them? We once observed a girl at church who was using the reverse camera option as a mirror, applying lipstick, taking selfies, then taking screenshots of statuses and uploading it as her own. All while the pastor was busy making the announcement about cellphones.  This goes for any religious setting, school meeting, funeral, wedding, or all events that have some sort of programme, agenda or formal aspect to it. I would drop to my knees in embarrassment if my phone had to ring at church and Stings ‘Every Little Thing She does is Magic’ starts blaring. Yes-brown people can turn red!   

> Elevator Doors

Step away from the door!!! If you are waiting to get in, how, pray tell shall we get out if you are standing right in front of the door? Manners dictate that you stand aside or at least take a step back. (Same applies to some of the Gautrain users out there. Geez Louise- STEP BACK!) Also, note to self, pressing the button again and again won’t bring the elevator down or up any faster. Refer to point above. No talking on cellphones in the elevator.

> I have a reservation

Boy oh boy! Restaurant manners. There are so many. Cellphone manners. Repeat! Stop taking calls at the table. Unless it’s a medical or home (kids) emergency, just stop. Unless your cellphone is out for a quick selfie to capture the moment, it should remain out of sight, in your pocket or hand bag.

Napkins are not for you to blow your nose. I know. Shocking, right? No boogers while we're eating -please. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and everyone will walk away happy.

Gather your plate and utensils and hand it to the waitron. Why must they lean over and try to get your dirty plate? Now, I know in posh places the waitron will ask you if you are done and then remove your plate and that’s all well and good. But if you can, hand them the plate, look them in the eye and say thanks.

Don’t allow your kids to play with condiments and mess the table. One, they are wasting something that doesn't belong to them and two,  someone has to clean that up. Push your chair in after you get up from the table. If the service was great, give a great tip! Actually tipping has nothing to do with manners, I just threw that in there for free.

> RSVP

No-it’s also a valid RSVP. You are entitled to say no to an invite and you don’t have to give an explanation. Hosts- you don't need a reason for the no. Do you ask people why they said yes?  It’s the non-response that causes my hair to stand on end. Am I psychic? How on earth will I know that if you don’t respond, you meant no? Also, if you said no don’t just pitch up without first asking your host if you could still pop by as your circumstances have changed. Just not on the day of the event. That’s just rude.

Never, ever pitch up with an additional, uninvited guest. It’s brash and vulgar and I have heard way too many stories of the uninvited guest just ruining the evening. Or worse.

Don’t pitch up empty-handed. Whether it’s a single sunflower or a bottle of wine or a box of cookies, take something for your host.

I once had a special little guy ask me, while he was still eating a meal had I cooked, if he could take some home for the next day. Like I said, he is a special little guy with a special place at my table and in my heart. Please don’t do that as an adult. I’m eating the chicken so can I take the lasagne home? No!!! Wait until your host offers you the option then very politely accept. Oh, and if they give you your share in a dish that’s not disposable, do not return that dish to your host empty. (Disclaimer: I think this is an Indian thing!) My mother did it, so I do it  and it just makes sense to return the dish with a little chocolate or sweeties or nougat or even a note saying how much you enjoyed the lasagne for supper the next day.

Don't just leave your drinking glass on any free surface that you can find then promptly forget about it. Nothing irks me more than finding random dirty glasses just left somewhere it shouldn't be. Use a coaster or ask for one if you cannot see one.

Offer to help wash up or at least pack the dishwasher. Help clear the table so that your host can join the conversation again as soon as possible.

> Pleased to meet you

Unless you cannot or are unable to, please stand up to greet someone you are being introduced to. If you are not fond of hand-shaking, at least a firm nod to acknowledge the introduction is necessary.

Say, “I’m pleased to meet you.”  Now, there are some people I have not been pleased to meet. Depending on the context, my response is usually, “Glad you could make it,” or “Let me know if I can be of any help,” or just, “Hi. Can i get you something to drink?” That way I haven't lied that I’m pleased to meet them but I also have been polite and welcoming.

> Get that door

Gentlemen-please. Open the door for your lady. Whatever door it is. Open the door, stand aside, let her enter then you follow. You can do this for a fellow gentleman too. Holding the door open for someone is just good manners.  Open the car door for your female counterpart, let her get seated and then close the door. Ladies, don’t go all women's lib and boorish and forget to say thank you. Or the usual, “I am capable of opening the door myself.” Yes- sure you are. But if he did it, say thanks. How, do tell me, by allowing a man to open the door for you, did you relinquish of any of the rights you have as woman?

If your lady is cold, offer her your coat. Not someone else’s lady please. Your own!

Don’t hug a woman you don’t know well and please avoid unnecessary touching. Ladies-same applies to you. Now, I know those who know me will probably say, “Ah- thats because you don't like hugs. You give horrible, luke-warm, side hugs.” No. It’s just good manners to have boundaries in respect of physical contact.

> Read the room

Be situationally aware. Offer your seat to someone older than you, someone pregnant, someone who just looks tired! Offer to carry the bags of a mum pushing a pram and holding on to a toddler and juggling the keys. Give them the option to refuse instead of never asking because you assume they will say no.

Don’t go blabbing about your fantastic vacation plans when someone has just got a retrenchment notice. You installed solar, the rest of us are still hanging onto our rechargeable lights and candles. We don't need to hear about it at every conversation. Don’t get me wrong-celebrate the good things but read the room. Is it the appropriate time to share the news?

Sometimes, you need to be very intentional about remaining silent.

> Potty Mouth

I once shared with some people that I grew up next to a shebeen and I knew more swear words than Bible verses at one stage. Of course, these people were more interested in knowing which shebeen and did it still exist!

I would be the last one to tell you to stop swearing but the over-use of foul language amounts to bad manners. Refer to point above. Read the room. Are there kids within earshot? Are there elderly people in the vicinity who would be hard-pressed not to frown at you and be extremely offended at your vulgarity? You can isolate people with too many colourful words and if you’re invited to  fewer parties, think back to the last one you attended and how you conducted your conversations.

> Tick Tock

The last one is something that drives me nuts especially because I’m generally punctual. Of course, my comings and goings are not always conducted solo so I am often late. I hate to apologise for being late. It shows such a lack of respect for someone’s time. It makes me feel like I haven't organised my time well enough and it led to me being late. It causes me stress to be late. I end up being grumpy and agitated, one eye on the clock, one hand on the phone trying to quickly text an apology and my ETA. I don’t think many people understand how a lack of punctuality affects your reputation. As a general rule, the experts on time management suggest being at least 10-15 minutes early for any engagement. Fingers crossed that I finally arrive at church on time this Sunday!

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The rules of etiquette may change depending on location, culture and different societies. It is sometimes steeped in tradition and behaviours that have been passed down through many generations.

Manners? Manners impacts how you make people feel. We should all want to leave someone feeling better for having encountered us on any given day.