5 Simple Ways to Support a Grieving Soul

What a rough couple of months it has been. Every time I told myself I should be working on a blog post, I couldn’t. I don’t know what your weeks and months have looked like, but since the end of February, all I have heard is sad news. It’s that proverbial rolling snowball that you see in cartoons-yes, I have always loved cartoons and recently watched the Tom and Jerry Movie!! One little plop of snow that starts moving and gathering momentum, getting bigger and bigger, trapping some characters along in it as it rolls, coming to a dead halt against a giant tree, spewing the unfortunate people who got caught in the ball all across the snowy white carpet of fallen snow. Brrrrrrr.

The next thing I knew it was June and I had been stuck in a loop of bad and sad news!

Almost 80% of the news I’m talking about concerned death. Close friends, acquaintances, children, friends of friends and the horror stories on the news both local and international. Each time that text or call arrives, or I watch the news with dread, I’m flung back to the moment I received the news of my mother’s death. I remember the tone of Roland’s voice. I remember which part of the road we were on when the call came. I remember having to then pass that message on to family and friends and their reactions. I’m pretty sure it’s the same for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one. You re-live that loss all over again. You start picturing what that spouse or parent or child is going through at that moment. You are suspended precariously between reality and disbelief, sorrow and shock.

The thing about grief that no-one tells you is that it is an endless journey. It starts at a moment in time and will probably continue until you die. Or, if you share my beliefs, then it will end when you are re-united with your loved ones in heaven.

I can’t count the number of times I have carelessly thrown what I assumed was words of comfort to someone that was grieving, never really understanding what I was saying. The only time I ever put words in their correct places was after I had experienced the sudden loss of my mother. So here’s just 5 simple things to practice that might make it easier for you as you try to help a grieving soul.

‘I understand exactly what you’re going through’. No- you don’t. No two relationships are ever the same. Your loss of a parent is not the same loss as someone who suffered abuse at the hand of a parent. Or vice versa. There’s grief but a whole lot more going on with the emotions. Your loss of a husband is not the same if someone stayed in love with their spouse for 20, 40, 50 years while you endured infidelity or financial loss due to your deceased spouse. Grief is unique to each person and you and I could never understand what’s going on in the heart and mind of a grieving person, no matter how similar we think the loss is. Try instead, ‘I’m here to support however you need me to.’

You must get over it now’. There is no set time and space allocated for grieving. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes gentle, with beautiful memories unfolding, sometimes violent and turbulent, washing up hidden hurts, unresolved feelings, unsaid words, regrets and disappointments that strew the sea shore like debris after a storm. Whether that person lived a few seconds or had a rich 85 years-it was a life. Try instead, ‘If you want to talk, I will listen.’

‘Life will get back to normal’. There is no ‘normal’ after you have lost someone. Each loss brings on what grief counsellors refer to as a ‘new normal’. Learning to function without that person either daily, at special occasions or even at a place of employment takes time and special effort. You have to learn to create new memories without that person. You have to learn how to answer insensitive questions. You have to learn how to do things for yourself that was ordinarily done by the person you lost. Being thrust into this new world of learning is tiring, unsettling and the emotions of the grieving person will be all over the place. Rather try, ‘I know adjusting to life without X is painful. What can I do to help while you adjust?’

‘You told me that already’. Grieving people often repeat stories of their loved ones. X said this or Y used to do that. Sometimes, it might appear as if they are stuck in a loop, repeating the circumstances of how the loved one died, relating experiences constantly, talking about the loved one in the present tense and looking at pictures or mementos while sharing the same story over and over again. For someone on the outside of that grief, it can be tempting to roll your eyes and huff, ‘You told me that already!’ For the grieving person, those episodes of life on repeat is how they keep the loved one alive. If we talk about some of the most notorious, nefarious people in history ever so often, why wouldn’t a grieving person want to talk about someone they loved every single opportunity they get?Just smile, nod your head and keep listening even if its the 100th time you have heard that story.

So what exactly happened to …?

Very often people want to discuss what led to their loved one’s death. Just as often, they don’t. It’s in our very nature to be curious especially if the death was unexpected or the result of a crime or the circumstances surrounding the demise is not public knowledge. We want to know details. Sometimes details help us process the bad news. We want to know what could and couldn’t have been done and those curious (sometimes insensitive) questions can be very upsetting to someone struggling with grief. Rather just wait until the person opens up to you or you are able to gather those details from someone else.

I remember that when my mum died we called it a celebration of her life. A paradox. Celebrating the death of someone. We cried, we laughed, we recalled all the things she did that drove us nuts! We ate a meal together surrounded by people who loved her and played important roles in her life. It was joyful sorrow. It is only in Jesus that I found the ability to mourn but also be joyful because He promises life after death. He promises an eternity with Him.

We went through all the stages of grief but after a while, we started to adjust to life without her. Our ‘new normal’ began. We still grieve. It just hurts a little less knowing that I will see her again some day.

If I can offer one last piece of advice when dealing with a grieving soul-just be patient. There will be a time for tough love if necessary but for the most part, pull on those kid gloves and handle that grieving soul with great, delicate care. You may, one day, need someone to do the same for you.

Lynne serves in the Griefshare Ministry at her church. She is one of the lead facilitators and is the first point of contact for all the participants who are joining the Griefshare sessions.